Age

Touching Looks at Age

Funny Ways of Looking at Getting Older

Jokes

"WHAT I'VE LEARNED"

This starts out with quotes from children age 6 and progresses with quotes from adults up to age 92. What have you learned?

WHAT'S PRETTIER THAN FRECKLES?

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this anonymous poem winging across the Internet. Just goes to show you that we all leave SOME footprints in time. Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will one day be there, too!...

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe ...
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill ...
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman. And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again

I think of the years ... all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look closer ... see ME!!

LAUGHING ...

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

MY TRIP TO THE DENTIST

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking ... surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story ...

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1956. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

THE CARJACKING

This is a true story.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

VIAGRA VS. ALZHEIMER'S

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
  9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  10. Never lick a steak knife.
  11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
  12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
  18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
  19. Your friends love you anyway.

THE WISDOM OF GEORGE COSTANZA

YOU MUST BE 25 TO 35 YEARS OLD IF...

FEELING OLD? IF NOT YOU WILL AFTER THIS!

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. CCCP is just a bunch of letters. They have only known one Germany. They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmin Square means nothing to them. They do not know who Mohmar Qadafi is. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.

Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record Player. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong. Star Wars looks very fake and the special effects are pathetic. There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. Zip codes have always had a dash in them. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony. Rollerskating has always meant inline for them. They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, Pan Am or Ozark Airlines.

The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave. They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota North Stars, the Kansas City Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, the Minnesota Lakers, the Atlanta Flames, or the Denver Rockies (NHL hockey, that is). They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, the Florida Panthers, the Ottawa Senators, the San Jose Sharks, or the Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams". They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for Camel", or "de plane, de plane!". They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. They cannot remember the Cardinals even winning a World Series, or even being in one. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. Do you feel old now?

Remember, the people who don't know these things will be in college this year.

GO BACK IN TIME ...

Before the Internet or the MAC, before semi-automatics and crack, before SEGA or Super Nintendo ... way back ...

I'm talking about hide and seek at dusk, the Good Humor man, "Red Light, Green Light", and the corner store.

Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch, jacks, kickball, dodgeball. Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly Hula Hoops. Running through the sprinkler

Wax lips and mustaches Watching Saturday Morning cartoons ... short commercials, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs, or staying up for Gunsmoke.

Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.

A million mosquito bites. Climbing trees, building igloos out of snow banks. Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being tired from playing ... Remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

There were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym." It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ..and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

HOW MANY DO YOU REMEMBER?

  1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
  2. Ignition switches on the dashboard
  3. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall
  4. Real ice boxes
  5. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
  6. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner
  7. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
  8. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  9. Candy cigarettes
  10. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
  11. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
  12. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
  13. Blackjack chewing gum
  14. S&H Green Stamps
  15. Party lines
  16. Newsreels before the movie
  17. P. F. Flyers
  18. Butch wax
  19. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ...(Drexel-5-5505)
  20. Peashooters
  21. Howdy Doody
  22. 45 RPM Records
  23. Hi-fi's
  24. Metal ice cube trays, with levers
  25. Mimeograph paper
  26. Blue flash bulbs
  27. Beanie and Cecil
  28. Roller skate keys
  29. Cork pop guns
  30. Drive-ins
  31. Studebakers
  32. Packards
  33. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0 to 5, you're still young

If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older

If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt

ANOTHER QUIZ

How Old Do You Feel?

Only a few Senior Citizens can make a perfect score on this one! Youngsters can try their luck. The answers are below, but don't cheat.
  1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?

  2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S.in early 1964, we all watched them on what TV show?

  3. Get your kicks, on ________________.

  4. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________________.

  5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________________________.

  6. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _________________________.

  7. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

  8. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. Who was he?

  9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?

  10. Red Skelton's hobo character was _______________________ and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night,and _____________________________."

  11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their _________________.

  12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by?

  13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to __________________________.

  14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit by the Russians. What was it called?

  15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. What was it?

Answers:

  1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
  2. The Ed Sullivan show.
  3. Route 66
  4. to protect the innocent.
  5. The Lion sleeps tonight.
  6. The limbo
  7. chocolate.
  8. Louis Armstrong
  9. The Timex watch.
  10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
  11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
  12. Beetle or Bug
  13. Buddy Holly
  14. sputnik
  15. hoola-hoop

TOP 10 CHANGES AT NASA TO ACCOMMODATE JOHN GLENN'S RETURN TO SPACE

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Roger Whittaker tapes played at nap-time.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of hard candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 mph.
3. Bumper sticker: "Ask me about my grandchildren"
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker on for entire mission.

TIMES CHANGE

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Keg
2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Going to a new hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

1970: Trying to look like Marlin Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlin Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Paar
2000: AARP

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Lots of sex without much conversation
2000: Lots of conversation without much sex

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system!

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE GETTING OLD

  1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  2. Your back goes out more than you do.
  3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
  5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
  6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
  7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  8. You sing along with the elevator music.
  9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
  14. You send money to PBS.
  15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
  17. You know what the word "equity" means.
  18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
  20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
  23. You can go bowling without drinking.
  24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  25. People send you this list.

OLDER THAN DIRT

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

AGE IS A FUNNY THING...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half ..." You're never 36 and a half ... You're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens ... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 ... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk ... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed??

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ... stay over there, it's all slipping away ... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ... and your dreams are gone. Then you MAKE IT to 60 ... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas ... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. And it doesn't end there ... into the 90's you start going backwards... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. You make it to 100, you become a little kid again ... "I'm 100 ½ !!!!"

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

DR. SEUSS ON THE "GOLDEN YEARS"

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass

SUCCESS IS ...

 At age 4, success is......................not peeing your pants.

At age 16, success is.....................having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is.....................having sex.

At age 35, success is.....................having money.

At age 50, success is.....................having money.

At age 60, success is.....................having sex.

At age 70, success is.....................having a driver's license.

At age 80, success is.....................not peeing your pants.

DON'T PISS OFF AN OLD PERSON!

CHIPPENDALE REUNION

LIFE IN 1984

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But ...

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so fuckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! -- and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingere section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning ... do you hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

PARTS IS PARTS

One of my fourth-graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"

"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.

"That's okay," Harriett smiled. "I'm fifty."

"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said.

I was breathing a sigh of relief when another student added, "Parts of her do."

HOLIDAY INN AND RETIREMENT

Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they hit 45. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

A SENIOR CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.

AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT??

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS !

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

THE AGING ALPHABET

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there're bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.

DRUNK DRIVING AT THE OLD FOLKS' HOME

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again.

Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"

OLD, DIRTY WOOD

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

SHOOTING BLANKS?

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling."I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,"Well, Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle, and BAM, the beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly."

AM I DRIVING?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

OLD LOVE JOKE

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said, "You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked."

The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"

AGED VIRGIN?

An older gentleman at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Hey, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"

"I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".

Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

BIKER BABE?

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?". The little old lady says "No, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

ANGINA

 An elderly couple was on their wedding night. As the wife was in the bathroom getting dolled up for the occasion, their first night together, she thought to herself, "I guess I better tell my husband about my heart condition. If I were to have any problems during sex, I would want him to know what was wrong and for him to be prepared."

So, she comes out of the bathroom and slips off her negligee. She then remembered to inform her husband of her medical problem. "Honey, I need to tell you something. I have acute angina."

He thought for a moment and said, "I hope so, because those are the ugliest titties I have ever seen."

SUPERPUSSY!

Two nurses at an old-folks home notice that one old man in particular seemed to have lost their zest for life. One nurse says, "I have something that will make perk him up. I'll give him a little treat." She undresses then covers up with only a long nursing coat.

As the old man is wheeling himself down the hall, she jumps out into the hallway, flashes him and yells, "SUPERPUSSY!"

The old man thinks for a minute then says, "I guess I'll have the soup."

BINGO!

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

ARTHRITIS

This elderly woman and man, both residents of a local nursing home, decided to skip a field trip one weekend, as they were feeling a little frisky. Sure enough, when the bus came to pick up all the seniors, they hid in a closet until the bus pulled away. The old man followed the woman into her room, and they went at is. The woman stopped and asked the man, "I really must ask you favor. I haven't had anyone give me oral sex in decades, and I would really love it if you did."

The old man had no problem with this, and quickly began to oblige. He lasted a few minutes when he had to stop and ask, "I don't mean to embarrass you", he said, "but it smells a bit down here."

The old woman responded "I knew there might be a problem. It's my damn arthritis. You really can't stand it?" she asked.

The old man wanted to satisfy her, so, despite his confusion, he continued.

Later, he thought to ask, "Not for nothing, but I've never heard of anyone having arthritis down there."

To which she responded, "No, it's in my shoulders. I haven't been able to wipe myself in a week."

OLD FART ANATOMY

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A: Her navel.

JUST STAY HERE

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

SEX AT 100

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Becky went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother to comfort her.

When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

Grandmother paused, wiped away a tear, and then continued, "And if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."