Aviation

Ticket Stub? Welcome Aboard Irate Airline Customer Gets His Due Tracking Device Aviation Airline Humor Fun Things to Do on a Plane Ride Whoops! Travel Agent Stories Seat 29E Air Traffic Control Smart-Ass Answer?

TICKET STUB?

WELCOME ABOARD

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording."

IRATE AIRLINE CUSTOMER GETS HIS DUE

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice resonating throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Fuck you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too!

TRACKING DEVICE

AVIATION

Problem:	Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution:	Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem:	Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution:	Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1:	#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1:	#2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2:	#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem:	The autopilot doesn't.
Signed off:	IT DOES NOW.

Problem:	Something loose in cockpit.
Solution:	Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem:	Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution:	Evidence removed.

Problem:	DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution:	Volume set to more believable level.

Problem:	Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution:	Live bugs on order.

Problem:	IFF inoperative.
Solution:	IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem:	Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution:	That's what they're there for.

Problem:	Number three engine missing.
Solution:	Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem:	Aircraft handles funny.
Solution:	Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Problem:	Target Radar hums.
Solution:	Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.

AIRLINE HUMOR

• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
• And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
• As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
• "Last one off the plane must clean it."
• And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight ...
• Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault ... it was the asphalt!"
• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
• Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
• From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
• Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."
• On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
• On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
• Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
• A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!!

FUN THINGS TO DO ON A PLANE RIDE

• Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
• Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
• Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"
• Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends.
• Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't."
• With the person next to you, discuss cannibalism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands.
• Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
• Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This works best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question).

WHOOPS!

TRAVEL AGENT STORIES

• I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

• I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

  Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

  Her response ... click.

• A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

• I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

  I said, "No."

  He said "But they look so close on the map."

• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas.

  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

• A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"

  I said, "No, why do you ask?"

  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"

  After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

  I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

• A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."

  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

  She said, "Yeah, whatever."

• A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

  "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

  I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

• A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words.

  Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

  "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

  After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

  The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

  The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

  "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

SEAT 29E

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm fucking bored!"

Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

<---------------------@^@--------------------->

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark ... and I didn't land."

SMART ASS ANSWER?

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.