Beer and Drinking

Stages of Drunkenness Natural Selection Liquor Lunch Beer Quotes Drunk Again? How to Bolster Office Morale Great Bars Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend The Psychology of Women & Drinking Jesus Is Better Than Beer? FDA Alcohol Warnings Beer Spitters Before and After Beer Riddles You Know It's Time to Go Home When ... A Good Investment Beer Warning The Morning After The Beer Diet Special Drink The Beer Vat Beer Labels Quiz Beer vs. Milk Seuss on Drinking Hangover Ratings Hard to Say

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART and you know all the words.

This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances, and co-workers that might be in danger of losing their edge.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
---Catherine Zandonella

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
---Dorothy Parker

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
---Ambrose Bierce

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
---William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
---Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
---Ernest Hemingway

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
---Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
---His reply

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
---Winston Churchill

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
---Oscar Wilde

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
---W.C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
---W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
---W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
---Henny Youngman

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
---Humphrey Bogart

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
---Frank Sinatra

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but, at the very least you need a beer.
---Frank Zappa

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
---David Moulton

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
---Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
---Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
---Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
---Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
---A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
--- Ross Levy

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
---Stephen Wright

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
---Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
---by Jack Handy

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
---David Geary

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
---Tom Waits

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
---Edward Abbey

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
---David Daye

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
---Brian O'Rourke

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder.

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I!"

"And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replied the Pole, "but it happened to my sister!"

1. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.
2. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
3. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
4. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
5. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
6. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"
7. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
8. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
9. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
10. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Drink:	Beer
Personality:	Casual; low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach:	Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink:	Blender Drinks
Personality:	Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach:	Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink:	Mixed Drinks
Personality:	Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach:	You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink:	Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality:	Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach:	Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink:	White Zinfandel
Personality:	Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach:	Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink:	Shots
Personality:	Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach:	Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Now for the men:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Christianity

1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of beer.
7. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second beer.
8. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you

WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING:	Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About a six-pack.

Q: What's the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night to have sex with some pig.

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

If, however, you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

It pays to drink.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a woman has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.

Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before - just a vague feeling something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.

Forward this alert to every male you know ... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages..

THE MORNING AFTER

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the Beer Me diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep ... even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The Beer Me diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

FACT: On the Beer Me diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer ... perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation:

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process ... remember 12 for women, 15 for men.

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway. Later in the day, restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.

SUNDAY: Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game. Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day ... you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.

Happy dieting!

She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess. With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?"

She whispers in his ear, "It's called Blowjob revenge!"

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery ..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

	MILK (1 cup, 2% milk)	BEER (1 cup)
Fat (g)	5	0
Fiber (g)	0	.5
Sodium (mg)	122	12
Cholesterol (mg)	20	0
Calories	122	97
Calories from fat (%)	37	0

One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

HARD TO SAY