 love our President? This was an actual float in a parade in Germany. |
"My Favorite Things" The Newest Dr. Seuss Story: "Starr I Are" Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book From the Law Offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esq. Some Minor Differences Between Nixon and Clinton 'Twas the Night Before Interngate Hillary's Top 10 Campaign Slogans
|
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns in closets for hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk which required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joys of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Here's the story, of a man Slick Willy, who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other, over a land deal blown.
Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow and they lied about the times He was her Lunch,
Then this group, it somehow became scandal.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.
The Shady Bunch.......
The Shady Bunch ... that's the way they became The Shady Bunch!
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *
(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)
DISGRACELAND
| Starr: | I'm here to ask, As you'll soon see, Did you grope Miss Lewinsky? Did you grope her in your house? Did you grope beneath her blouse? | Clinton: | I did not do that here or there. I did not do that anywhere! I did not do that near or far. I did not do that Starr You Are!! |
Starr: | Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you peek beneath her skirt? And did you tell the girl to lie When called upon to testify? |
Clinton: | I do not like you Starr You Are! I think that you have gone too far! I will not answer anymore... Perhaps I will go start a war! The public's easy to distract When bombs are falling on Iraq! |
| Bill: | "Summer intern, had me a blast" |
| Monica: | "White house intern, happened so fast" |
| Bill: | "Met a girl, crazy for me" |
| Monica: | "Met the prez, down on my knees" |
| Bill: | "Summer days, sucking away, but oh, oh, those summer nights" |
| Investigation Committee: |
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh! Tell us more, tell us more" |
| Linda Trip: | "Try to remember your best" |
| Investigation Committee: |
"Tell us more, tell us more" |
| Kenneth Star: | "Did he come on your dress?" |
| Bill: | "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" |
| Monica: | "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp" |
| Bill: | "She gave me head, right in the White House" |
| Monica: | "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth" |
| Investigation Committee: |
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more" |
| Linda Trip: | "He sounds like a swell guy" |
| Investigation Committee: |
"Tell us more, tell us more" |
| Kenneth Star: | "Did he tell you to lie?" |
| Bill: | "Press found out, it turned into a mess" |
| Monica: | "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress" |
| Bill: | "She promised to lie, she made a vow" |
| Monica: | "Wonder who is servicing him now" |
| Bill & Monica: | "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams, but.........oh those White House Nights" |
WHISKEY & SODA
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of "public decency," was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice ..."
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, than it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
| Nixon: | Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape |
| Clinton: | Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case |
| Nixon: | Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" |
| Clinton: | Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one" |
| Nixon's biggest fear: | The Cold War |
| Clinton's biggest fear: | A Cold Sore |
| Nixon's second biggest fear: | North Korea |
| Clinton's second biggest fear: | Gonorhea |
| Nixon spent Vietnam Era doing: | Nightime bombing raids |
| Clinton spent Vietnam Era doing: | Nightime panty raids |
| Nixon: | Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy |
| Clinton: | Well acquainted with G Spot |
| Nixon: | Famous for his widow's peak |
| Clinton: | Famous for bringing widows to their peak |
| Nixon: | Talked about achieving peace with honor |
| Clinton: | Talked of getting a piece while on her |
| Nixon: | Couldn't stop Kissinger |
| Clinton: | Couldn't stop kissing her |
| Nixon: | His Vice President was a Greek |
| Clinton: | His Vice President is a geek |
| Nixon: | His nickname was Tricky Dick |
| Clinton: | No difference |
| Nixon: | Ex-President |
| Clinton: | Sex-President |
| Nixon: | Took on Ho Chi Minh |
| Clinton: | Took on a Ho |
| Nixon: | Watergate |
| Clinton: | Water Bed |
| Nixon: | Carpet bombing |
| Clinton: | Carpet burns |
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk asks, "Come again?"
"No, mustard ..."
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told --
To me, and to you.
On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew Bubba
Had gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders."
You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"
"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"
"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."
And many months later
,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.
We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And -- horror of horrors --
He likes to get blown!
A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, um..., makes love to.
The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."
Now Monica, Linda --
And Ken Starr, you nut
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!
Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
Q: How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they are too busy screwing the President.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
A: Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!
Q: What's Monica going to title her memoirs?
A: "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"
Q: Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
A: Monica swallowed the evidence
Q: Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
A: Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
Q: Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon?
A: It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
Q: Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story?
A: She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.
Q: What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A: The President after Bush
Q: Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
A: The spread eagle
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, I don't know. I never had one.
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?"
Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap that he can't fly.
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense...Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position ...
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!"
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup" His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
| Titanic Video: | $9.99 on Internet |
| Clinton Video: | $9.99 on Internet |
| Titanic Video: | Over 3 hours long |
| Clinton Video: | Over 3 hours long |
| Titanic Video: | The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe |
| Clinton Video: | The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe |
| Titanic Video: | Jack is a starving artist |
| Clinton Video: | Bill is a bullshit artist |
| Titanic Video: | In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar |
| Clinton Video: | Ditto for Bill |
| Titanic Video: | During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined |
| Clinton Video: | Ditto for Monica |
| Titanic Video: | Jack teaches Rose to spit |
| Clinton Video: | Let's not go there |
| Titanic Video: | Rose gets to keep her jewelry |
| Clinton Video: | Monica's forced to return her gifts |
| Titanic Video: | Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life |
| Clinton Video: | Monica doesn't remember Jack |
| Titanic Video: | Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen |
| Clinton Video: | Monica...uh, never mind |
| Titanic Video: | Jack surrenders to an icy death |
| Clinton Video: | Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing) |
Reagan thinks this will be easy. "e-r-e". Incorrect.
Bush is next. The word is "ear". Bush thinks it will be no problem. "e-i-r". Incorrect.
Clinton is last. The word is "ear". No problem, thinks Clinton. "e-a-r". Correct.
Now use it in a sentence. (Pretend to take a drag on a joint, and pretend to pass it, and holding your breath, say "'ere".)
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitches done set us up!
Mayor Marion Berry
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on for the fall.
Marv Albert
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon yet. Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, you prick.
Newt
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Some set of tits on her, huh?
Frank Gifford
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! HA HA! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Michael Jackson
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you for a threesome sometime.
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake. At least mine was tight.
With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
Editors,
Cigar Aficionado magazine
