THE O.J. TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!
When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through L.A., from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.
My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
Did you hit her from above.
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
The glove you see it doesn't fit.
The lawyer says you must acquit.
Acquit because the cops all lied.
Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried.
The jury came back verdict in hand.
And silence fell across the land.
Not guilty, not guilty they did decree.
Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to the family that I love.
Now would you please return my glove!?!
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to get back into making commercials for Pepsi?
A: He wants to try to suck the boy out of the bottle.
YET MORE ABOUT THE BONO/KENNEDY CONNECTION
The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and the death of Michael Kennedy in tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz. The ominous parallels can't be denied:
The obvious answer is the powerful "enforcement branch" of the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50's, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bono's House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono.
But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man? When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Indeed.
Sonny Bono
Q: And why did Sonny Bono ski into the tree??
A: It's always been a good political move to keep up with the Kennedy's.
Q: What's the title of Sonny Bono's new hit single?
A: "I Got Yew, Babe...."
Q: What's the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy?
A: About five days.
Q: How was the body found?
A: Sonny side up.
Q: What kind of tribute should Cher perform at Sonny's funeral?
A: A moment of silence.
Q: How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?
A: At the very end, he was stumping.
We are all mortal. And in the end, Sonny was just ski and bones.
Police reported Sonny's passing was a quick death. Just like his solo career.
Michael Kennedy
Q: How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
A: Check the family tree.
Q: How will the priest begin Michael Kennedy's eulogy?
A: "We are gathered here together on this slalom occasion ..."
Q: What do Michael and JFK Jr.'s magazine "George" have in common?
A: Wood pulp.
Q: What's an event you don't want to be at?
A: A Michael Kennedy New Year's Bash
A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll ...
| 1. | Ellen DeGeneres | Suffocates in the closet |
| 2. | Susan Lucci | Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy |
| 3. | Jenny McCarthy | Struck by a random thought |
| 4. | Frank Sinatra | Killed by Strangers in the Night |
| 5. | RuPaul | Prostate cancer |
| 6. | O.J. Simpson | Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide |
| 7. | Madonna | Exposure |
| 8. | Unabomber | Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage" |
| 9. | Al Gore | Dutch Elm Disease |
| 10. | Bill Gates | Falls out of a Window |
IF "FRIENDS" WERE FILMED IN TENNESSEE
| The AL GORE Virus | Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting |
| The BILL CLINTON Virus | Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory |
| The HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON Virus | Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg |
| The OLLIE NORTH Virus | Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files |
| The ROSS PEROT Virus | Activates every component of your system, just before the whole darn thing quits! |
| The BOB DOLE Virus (AKA Viagra Virus) |
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy |
| The MONICA LEWINSKY Virus | Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did |
| The RONALD REAGAN Virus | Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored |
| The OPRAH WINFREY Virus | Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, Then slowly expand to restabilize around 200mb |
| The JACK KEVORKIAN Virus | Deletes all old files |
| The ELLEN DEGENERES Virus | Disks can no longer be inserted |
| The ELLEN DEGENERES Virus | Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC |
| The PROZAC Virus | Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care |
| The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus | Only attacks minor files |
| The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus |
Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back |
| The LORENA BOBBITT Virus | Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows |
| The WOODY ALLEN Virus | Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card |
| The TONYA HARDING Virus | Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons |
| The MIKE TYSON Virus | Quits after one byte |
| The SHARON STONE Virus | Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there |
| The TIM ALLEN Virus | Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact |
| The SPICE GIRLS Virus | Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop |
MARTHA STEWART VS. REAL WOMEN
Martha Stewart Says:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women Say:
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please
recite with me the "Real Women's Motto": "I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha Stewart Says:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
Real Women Say:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Martha Stewart Says:
Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women Say:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You
are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha Stewart Says:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women Say:
Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha Stewart Says:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
Real Women Say:
Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it for you.
Martha Stewart Says:
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking for a glossy finish.
Real Women Say:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust, so I just don't do it.
Martha Stewart Says:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They
give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women Say:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally...the most important tip:
Martha Stewart Says:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women Say:
Leftover wine????????
