THE LATEST SCAM
I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
WORD PERFECT TECHNICAL SUPPORT
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
| Helpline: | WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you? |
| Customer: | Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. |
| Helpline: | What sort of trouble? |
| Customer: | Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. |
| Helpline: | Went away? |
| Customer: | They disappeared. |
| Helpline: | Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? |
| Customer: | Nothing. |
| Helpline: | Nothing? |
| Customer: | It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. |
| Helpline: | Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? |
| Customer: | How do I tell? |
| Helpline: | Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? |
| Customer: | What's a sea-prompt? |
| Helpline: | Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? |
| Customer: | There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type! |
| Helpline: | Does your monitor have a power indicator? |
| Customer: | What's a monitor? |
| Helpline: | It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on? |
| Customer: | I don't know. |
| Helpline: | Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? |
| Customer: | Yes, I think so. |
| Helpline: | Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. |
| Customer: | Yes, it is. |
| Helpline: | When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? |
| Customer: | No. |
| Helpline: | Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. |
| Customer: | OK, here it is. |
| Helpline: | Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. |
| Customer: | I can't reach. |
| Helpline: | Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? |
| Customer: | No. |
| Helpline: | Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? |
| Customer: | Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark. |
| Helpline: | Dark? |
| Customer: | Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. |
| Helpline: | Well, turn on the office light then. |
| Customer: | I can't. |
| Helpline: | No? Why not? |
| Customer: | Because there's a power outage. |
| Helpline: | A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? |
| Customer: | Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. |
| Helpline: | Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. |
| Customer: | Really? Is it that bad? |
| Helpline: | Yes, I'm afraid it is. |
| Customer: | Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? |
| Helpline: | Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer. |
THE SEVEN BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS
Chain Letter Type 1
Make a wish!!!
(scroll down)
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please.... they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you moron!!!
Something else! Quick!!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8-year-olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
|
Stupid Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of crap, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Stupid Horror Story #2 Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK. |
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
|
Friends A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like crap, A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown in a pile of crap, A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry - that's the cleaning lady, A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. |
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild goats.
Chain Letter Type 5:
VIRUS WARNING!!!
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number. So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives, neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brokers, doctors, and any other acquaintances! It's for their own good!
Thank-You.
Chain Letter Type 6:
Here is a cute picture I drew.
(\
/)
( \
/ )
( \
/ )
( /< >\ )
( / \/ \ )
/
\ __
(
) ( )
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
It is a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it will brighten their day like it did yours! If you don't, demon-possessed goats will move into your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe that something is wrong with your washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing. Have a nice day!!!
Chain Letter Type 7:
This e-mail is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft to test its e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right?
Plus, they have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland, DisneyWorld, or EuroDisney! So pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe this (or not)! Even if it's not true, hey-insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland! Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you, it's worth the chance, right? And just for good measure, if you don't send this on, Microsoft will send its specially trained attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT ON!!!!!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the goatless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say, "DEATH TO CHAIN LETTERS!!!!
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE OVERDOSED ON THE INTERNET
| The WOODY ALLEN Virus | Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card |
| The TONYA HARDING Virus | Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons |
| The HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON Virus | Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg |
| The OLLIE NORTH Virus | Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files |
| The JANE FONDA Virus | Attacks your hard drive's FAT |
| The OPRAH WINFREY Virus | Your 200MB hard drive shrinks to 80MB then slowly expands to 300MB |
| The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus | Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back ... |
| The O.J. SIMPSON Virus | It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did |
| The RONALD REAGAN Virus | Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored |
| The ROSS PEROT Virus | Activates every component of your system, just before the whole darn thing quits! |
| The GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Virus | Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine |
| The POLITICALLY CORRECT Virus | Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism" |
| The AT&T Virus | Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting |
| The MCI Virus | Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus |
| The ADAM AND EVE Virus | Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer |
| The FREUDIAN Virus | Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive |
| The ELLEN DEGENERES Virus | Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC |
| The MONICA LEWINSKY Virus | Sucks all the memory out of your computer |
| The TITANIC Virus | Makes your whole computer go down |
| The DISNEY Virus | Everything in the computer goes Goofy |
| The MIKE TYSON Virus | Quits after one byte |
| The PROZAC Virus | Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care |
| The SHARON STONE Virus | Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there |
| The LORENA BOBBIT Virus | Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows |
| The TIM ALLEN Virus | Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact |
| The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus | Only attacks minor files |
| The SPICE GIRL Virus | Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop |
| Tech Support: | "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" |
| Customer: | "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" |
| Tech Support: | "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." |
| Customer: | "I don't have a 'P'." |
| Tech Support: | "On your keyboard, Bob." |
| Customer: | "What do you mean?" |
| Tech Support: | "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." |
| Customer: | "I'm not going to do that!" |
| Customer: | "I'd like a mouse mat, please." |
| Salesperson: | "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." |
| Customer: | "But will they be compatible with my computer?" |
| Customer: | "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" |
| Customer: | "Hi. Is this the Internet?" |
| Customer: | "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" |
| Tech Support: | "Yeah." |
| Customer: | "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" |
| Tech Support: | "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." |
| Tech Support: | "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." |
| Customer: | "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." |
| Tech Support: | "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-" |
| Customer: | "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." |
| Tech Support: | "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?" |
| Customer: | [click] |
| Customer: | "My computer crashed!" |
| Tech Support: | "It crashed?" |
| Customer: | "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." |
| Tech Support: | "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." |
| Customer: | "No, it didn't crash-it crashed." |
| Tech Support: | "Huh?" |
| Customer: | "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." |
| Tech Support: | "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" |
| Customer: | [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" |
| Tech Support: | "What does the screen say now.." |
| Customer: | "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." |
| Tech Support: | "Well?" |
| Customer: | "How do I know when it's ready?" |
TRANSLATED FROM LATIN SCROLL DATED 2 B.C.
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The moneylenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,
Plutonius
Y2K READINESS
September 28, 1999
E. A. Pollock
Re: FW: Y2K Readiness
Dear Sirs:
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions. To be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all the months on the company's calendars for next year.
The calendars have been returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark, Februark, and Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.
Sincerely,
E.A. Pollock
TOP 10 EMAIL ADDRESSES
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an email address. (e.g. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml) They are just not beginning to realize the problem that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.
| Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) | eatonsht@dku.edu |
| Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of PA) | dickinme@iup.edu |
| Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) | kissinfk@lvu.edu |
| Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) | aspicker@pu.edu |
| Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) | ibballin@bsu.edu |
| Bradley Thomas Kissering (Bradley Electric, North Division, Overton, Canada) | btkisser@bendover.com |
| Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys R Us) | ihadcock@tru.com |
| Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University) | cumminme@fu.edu |
| Geroge David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers and Cabinets, Inc.) | blowmegd@dropdrawers.com |
| Barbara Joan Beeranger (MyPlace Home Decorating) | beeranbj@myplace.com |
YOUR COMPUTER … MALE OR FEMALE?
A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine because:
WHY WE'RE ALL SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
GM V. BILL GATES
In an effort to express the accomplishments of Microsoft in understandable terms, Bill Gates made the following comparison with General Motors products:
| If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour (16,000 km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds(14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00. |
GM responded by pointing out that if GM built cars that operated like Microsoft products:
|
You'd have a car that crashes 4 times a day. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. Your car would constantly die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this as a normal part of operations and drive on. Your car would also stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too. You could only have one person in the car at a time unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive--but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. Macintosh car owners could get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower. To continue, the oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would all be combined into a single "General Auto Protection Fault" warning light that, when lit, would oblige you to stop your car in the middle of the highway and restart it. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. If you were involved in a crash, you would never be able to determine the real cause of the crash. Finally, the airbag system would ask you to press an "Are you sure?" button before deploying. |
A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF THE SUPPORT PERSON FROM HELL
Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoke break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
AMISH COMPUTER VIRUS
You have just received the Amish virus.
As they don't have any technology or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
Amish Computer Engineering Dept.
(__!__)
a fat ass
(!)
a tight ass
(_._)
a flat ass
(_^_)
a bubble ass
(_*_)
a sore ass
(_!__)
a lop-sided ass
{_!_}
a swishy ass
(_o_)
an ass that's been around
(_O_)
an ass that's been around even more
(_x_)
kiss my ass
(_X_)
leave my ass alone
(_zzz_)
a tired ass
(_o^o_)
a wise ass
(_?_)
Dumb Ass
(_13_)
an unlucky ass
(_$_)
Money coming out of his ass
( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts
(*)(*)
perky breasts
(@)(@)
big nipple breasts
o o
A cups
{ O }{ O }
D cups
(oYo)
wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
cold breasts
(o)(O)
lopsided breasts
(Q)(O)
pierced breasts
(p)(p)
hanging tassels breasts
\ o /\ o /
Grandma's breasts
( )( )
against the shower door breasts
| o | | o |
android breasts
($)($)
Martha Stewart's breasts
I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU WELL
Okay, here's what you're supposed to do...and DON'T BE LAME and spoil the fun. Do it. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a NEW e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to YOU. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (The answers provided are from my friend TB and may
have been edited ... lol).
| 1. What is your living arrangement? | A 3-bedroom I share with some guy |
| 2. What book are you reading now? | What's a book? |
| 3. What's on your mouse pad? | Ouija board |
| 4. Favorite board game? | Chutes and ladders |
| 5. Favorite magazine? | Playgirl... for the pictures |
| 6. Favorite smell? | Me, or chocolate, it's a tie |
| 7. Favorite sound? | When my alarm doesn't go off on a Sat morning |
| 8. Worst feeling in the world? | Breaking your friends heart because I'm so damn honest |
| 9. Your first thought when you wake up? | How to reverse time so I can get more sleep |
| 10. Favorite color(s)? | Black and purple |
| 11. How many rings before you answer the phone? | Depends on who the caller ID displays |
| 12. Future child's name? | My Bad and howdafuc dishapen |
| 13. What is most important in life? | money and more money( yeah I'm Greedy) |
| 14. Favorite foods? | Doritos, Chinese, chocolate |
| 15. Chocolate or vanilla? | HHMMM, this is a tough one, Chocolate |
| 16. Do you like to drive fast? | I haven't seen anyone pass me yet |
| 17. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? | Yes, but I don't remember the guys name |
| 18. Storms ... cool or scary? | Scary |
| 19. What kind of car was your first car? | '81 Chrysler Lebaron- Brown |
| 20. If you could meet one person dead or alive? | ERIC (Lindros for those of you who don't truly know me) |
| 21. Favorite alcoholic drink? | Rum and Coke |
| 24. What is your dream job? | Porn Star (without the possibility of catching something) |
| 25. If you could dye your hair any color? | Purple |
| 26. Ever been in love? | Who truly knows what love is? Maybe |
| 27. Is the glass half empty or half full? | half empty |
| 28. Favorite movies? | Half Baked, Mall Rats, X-men, TB's X-Mas present from Ben |
| 30. What's under your bed? | Bedside Kit for girls |
| 31. What is your favorite number? | 13 |
| 32. Favorite sport to watch? | Hockey |
| 33. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. | FPL- YOu have nice lips and eyes(didn't want to give your name away Fred) |
| 34. Person you sent this to who is most likely to respond? | Angie and MC, it's a tie |
| 35. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? | Fred? Ben |
WHY COMPUTERS SOMETIMES CRASH
According to Dr. Seuss ...
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gausse.
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
A USEFUL SKILL?
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER ERROR MESSAGES
Here are 16 actual error messages reportedly seen on the
computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these
better than "Your Computer Has Performed an Illegal Operation"?
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3, and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one, but it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
