Cops

What Not to Say If You Are Pulled Over by a Cop
How to Handle a Speeding Ticket
MORE on How to Handle a Speeding Ticket
The Designated Decoy
The FBI, CIA and LAPD
A Complete Stop
Circle Flies
Useful Information on Speeding Tickets
Over the Limit
Good, Better and Best
What NOT to Do When Making an Arrest
How to Call the Police
A Cop's Sense of Humor
To Protect and Serve
The Parking Ticket
Another Way to Handle a Speeding Ticket

WHAT NOT TO SAY IF YOU ARE PULLED OVER BY A COP

No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts was running a 3 for 1 special!
If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer is that your nightstick in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
What do you use those rubber gloves for?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.(OK in Texas)
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are you Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

HOW TO HANDLE A SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car.)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

MORE ON HOW TO HANDLE A SPEEDING TICKET

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

THE DESIGNATED DECOY

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy".

THE FBI, CIA AND LAPD

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A COMPLETE STOP

A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.

The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, may I please see your license and registration?"

The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."

The officer explained, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."

"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"

"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if I may please see your license and registration."

The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

"Sir, step out of the car."

As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

CIRCLE FLIES

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are ... I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

USEFUL INFORMATION ON SPEEDING TICKETS

I tried to pass this on to anyone I could think of. I know for a fact that this works so if you ever get in this situation, you have an out. This procedure works in any state. Read it and try it, you have nothing to lose but the points on your license.

If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points. When you get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some small amount above the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, but here is the trick!

DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK !! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all the financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are not complete. However the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will not bother you any more.

OVER THE LIMIT

Stopped for speeding on the freeway, my friend explained it this way, "But Officer, I was just trying to stay three car lengths ahead of the guy in back of me."
My sister Joan's husband drove into a radar trap. Because Joan was following him in her car, the officer nabbed her, too. After he'd written up one ticket, he approached Joan, who argued that she was merely tailing her husband. When that appeal failed, she tried another tactic. "Well, do you give family discounts?"
From the Bozeman, MT, Daily Chronicle: "A man ticketed for doing 104 mph in a 45 mph zone offered a novel excuse he was air-drying his newly washed truck.

GOOD BETTER AND BEST

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem A 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo ... of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "Bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN MAKING AN ARREST

Whatcha gonna do?

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Williston, North Dakota was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A COP'S SENSE OF HUMOR

So you thought that cops had no sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
(And maybe the best one of all) "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

TO PROTECT AND SERVE

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a gal a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-dicked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

ANOTHER WAY TO HANDLE A SPEEDING TICKET

Tired of speeding tickets? Want to open up spaces between you and the cars around you?

Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car
Step 2. Drive VERY FAST
Step 3. Watch people freak out
Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real

Officer:	May I see your driver's license?
Driver:	I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:	May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:	It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:	The car is stolen?
Driver:	That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:	There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:	Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:	There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:	Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:	Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:	Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain:	Whose car is this?
Driver:	It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car.)
Captain:	Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:	Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain:	Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:	No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)
Captain:	I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:	Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.