Ethnic

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes Number 69 Something to Offend Damn-Near Everyone ... Irish Stories Mexican Blow Job Greek or Italian?

NUMBER 69

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

"You wanna beef with bwaccolli?"

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYONE ...

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews can't run and hide in the corner when the collection plate is passed.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
A: I don't know, but it can sure pick tomatoes.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in the US

Q: Did you hear about the two Mexicans on "That's Incredible"?
A: One had insurance and the other was an only child.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian?
A: A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.

Q: Why do Mexicans have noses?
A: So they'll have something to pick in the winter.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
A: On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.

Q: What's long, black, and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.

Q: Why don't blacks like blow jobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.

Q: Why do blacks keep chickens?
A: To teach their kids how to strut.

Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Father's Day

Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them, too.

Q: Why don't blacks make good nuns?
A: They can't say "superior" after "mother".

Q: What do you call a black man from Thailand?
A: A tycoon.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of basketball.

Q: How do you know Adam wasn't black?
A: Have you ever tried to take a rib away from a black man?

Q: What did Lincoln say after his five-day drunk?
A: I freed WHO?

Q: What do you call a black Smurf?
A: A smigger.

Q: What does PONTIAC stand for?
A: Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac

Q: Why can't you circumcise Iranians?
A: There's no end to those pricks.

Q: Why don't they give Pollocks more than a half an hour for lunch?
A: They don't want to have to retrain them.

Q: In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

IRISH STORIES

• Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

  "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

  "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

  "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

  "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

  "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

• Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

  "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

  Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

  "What was his name?" asks Paddy?

  Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin!"

• Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya'."

  "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

  "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery ..."

  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!"

  "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

  Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

  "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

  "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

  "Well, no Brenda. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

• Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

  The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

  She says, "That he did, Father."

  The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

  She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!' "

• A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional, but sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

• Riddle

  Q: What do you call a well-hung Irishman?

  A: Miles O'Toole!

MEXICAN BLOW JOB

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks him in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican.

"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."

GREEK OR ITALIAN?

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Colosseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nods agreement, but says, "But we built the Roman Empire!"

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he is sure will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"