Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate
The World According to Andy Rooney
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The World's Shortest Books Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate
The World According to Andy Rooney
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I Will Survive?
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Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve...
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me ... (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but they still know you're married!
Pregnant Women:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god ... give me your hand ... it won't be long now ..."
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday...
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator...
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing...
Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know"... It costs 90 cents to call up and vote. They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now... I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah ... this is the VD clinic calling ... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
| Adult: | A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. |
| Beauty Parlour: | A place where some women go to dye. |
| Cannibal: | Someone who is fed up with people. |
| Chickens: | The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. |
| Committee: | A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. |
| Dust: | Mud with the juice squeezed out. |
| Egotist: | Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. |
| Gossip: | A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. |
| Handkerchief: | Cold Storage. |
| Inflation: | Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. |
| Myth: | A female moth. |
| Mosquito: | An insect that makes flies look good after all. |
| Raisin: | Celery with a sunburn. |
| Secret: | Something you tell to one person at a time. |
| Skeleton: | A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. |
| Toothache: | The pain that drives you to extraction. |
| Tomorrow: | One of today's greatest labor saving devices. |
| Yawn: | An honest opinion openly expressed. |
| Wrinkles: | Something other people have. You have character lines. |
| Reintarnation: | Coming back to life as a hillbilly. |
| Foreploy: | Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. |
| Giraffiti: | Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. |
| Sarchasm: | The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. |
| Inoculatte: | To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. |
| Hipatitis: | Terminal coolness. |
| Osteopornosis: | A degenerate disease. |
| Karmageddon: | It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. |
| Glibido: | All talk and no action. |
| Dopeler effect: | The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. |
| Intaxication: | Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. |
| Ignoranus: | A person who's both stupid and an asshole. |
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So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day ... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. |
My tire was thumping ... I thought it was flat ... when I looked at the tire ... I noticed your cat ... Sorry. |
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You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend ... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. |
Heard your wife left you ... How upset you must be ... But don't fret about it ... She moved in with me |
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Your computer is dead ... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95? |
You totaled your car ... and can't remember why ... could it have been ... that case of Bud Dry? |
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Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. | Too bad no one likes your wife. |
| I've learned ... | that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they give in. |
| I've learned ... | that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. |
| I've learned ... | that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. |
| I've learned ... | that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. |
| I've learned ... | that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. |
| I've learned ... | that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. |
| I've learned ... | that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. |
| I've learned ... | that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. |
| I've learned ... | that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. |
| I've learned ... | that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. |
| I've learned ... | that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. |
| I've learned ... | that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. |
| I've learned ... | to say "F*** 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. |
A more touching version is I Have Learned
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY ... If You Try to Please Everyone, You Will Eventually Lose Your Ass.
