Gay

Straight Women Are Ruining Sex for Gay Guys Tinky Winky Outed? Mother Knows All Know Your Rights! Teletubbies and Your Personality From the L.A. Times Lesbian Jokes The Gynecologist Anatomy Stray Bars Homo Riddles A Friendly Dog? The Homosexual Agenda Lesbian Quotes Gay Marriage

By Michael Alvear

I'm from the old school. I believe in sex before dating. The reason is, nothing kills sexual attraction more than having dinner with a guy so dull that even the corn on the cob covers its ears.

Tradionally, women are socialized to "hang on to it," as a girlfriend put it, until they get something valuable in exchange. Men, on the other hand, are socialized to "let go of it." And the exchange rate has nothing to do with it.

Women have what men want, and this sets up a classic seller's market: huge demand and a tight supply. The twist is that the suppliers want to give it away, too, but they can't because the market is regulated by outside forces -- religion, society and empty ring fingers. So even though it's a seller's market, the sellers aren't happy.

Sex between men, however, is the classic example of what happens when supply meets demand: Everybody's happy. It's more complicated with gals. Last month I experienced what my girlfriends put their men through -- a "forced" date. That's when you're forced to pay for play, meaning dinner. Sound familiar, ladies? See, a straight woman says, "I'm sorry, but I can't have sex with you until I get to know you." A gay man says, "I'm sorry, but I can't get to know you until I have sex with you."

And even when straight women know they want it, they're still liable to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't have sex with you until I order the lobster."

For some reason, more and more gay men find these dating strategies appealing. Maybe it's a reaction to the constant effort of avoiding HIV infection. Maybe safe-sex fatigue is making gay men approach sex a little more romantically.

Whatever the reason, it has to stop. I mean, once you complicate a simple transaction, there's no end to the Byzantine complexities you can come up with. Take the idea of accepting dates from guys you're not attracted to. A girlfriend calls this the "courtesy interview." It's like saying, "I have no openings at the moment, but if you want to buy me an expensive dinner, I'll be glad to take a look at your résumé."

Just yesterday I was trying to talk a gay friend out of going out with some guy he wasn't really attracted to just because he asked. "Quit acting like a straight chick," I told him. "God gave you raging hormones. Use them! You don't go on dates to find out if you're attracted to someone, you idiot; you go because you're attracted to them."

Imagine a straight guy asking a woman out if he wasn't really attracted to her. Exactly. You can't. A guy doesn't ask a woman out because he might be attracted to her. He asks her out because he paws the ground every time she walks by. And the ground's sick of it.

Here's why it's important to have sex before you get to know someone. First, getting to know someone often ruins your physical attraction to the person. Case in point: I went on a date with this hottie. I wanted him like Vanilla Ice wants a comeback. But he wanted to go out first. Grrr. So we did, and with every sentence that came out of his mouth at dinner, my libidinal compass took another tick south. By the end of the evening, the arm in my compass had broken off. I gave him a goodnight peck on the cheek, rushed out of the car and gave him some bullshit excuse about having to get up early in the morning.

Of course, sometimes you're the dust bag who ruins it for the other guy. Case in point: I went on a date with a guy who, again, refused my attempt at sex until he got to know me. Christ, I thought, another straight woman in the guise of a gay man. Why can't I go out with whores like everyone else? So I asked him out, acting all proper and everything. As the date progressed, I could sense his compass taking ticks south with every word I said. By the end of the evening I hauled out a gong-size electromagnet in a vain attempt to pull the compass arm north. I got a goodnight peck on the cheek as he rushed out of the car, giving some bullshit excuse about having to get up early in the morning.

In both cases, whether I dumped or got dumped, I went home without any. How fair is that? My way -- sex before dating -- is better. With the guy I turned out not to like, I could have had hot sex while I liked him and treasured the memory before he ruined it with his insufferable personality.

With the guy who turned out not to like me, we could have had hot sex while he still liked me and he would have treasured the memory before I ruined it with my insufferable personality.

Ladies, if you want to torture straight men with your "No nookie without a cookie" dating strategies, fine. But we don't want you influencing our own time-tested strategies ("Free cookies!"). Our way everybody goes home happy. Your way people go home hungry.

Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta.

• He's purple, the gay color;
• He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol,
• He carries a purse, something all gay people do.

FRED FLINTSONE

• His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-Toes Flintstone."
• The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
• He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
• He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

• Often stands with hand on hip.
• Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
• Frequently dresses in drag.
• Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.

• Eats lots of salad.
• Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
• Does little sailor-dances.
• Best friend named Wimpy.

• Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder.
• Batman's real name: Bruce.
• Both wear tights.
• They're in great shape.
• They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

• Has a deep, gravelly voice.
• Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
• Plays a mean game of football.
• Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
• Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
• Wears comfortable shoes.
• Nickname: Sir.

THE PINK PANTHER

• 'Nuff said

About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John

Dear John,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favorite Teletubbie?

1. Yellow
2. Purple
3. Green
4. Red

1. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people.
2. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and precise. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourself and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
3. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
4. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.

1. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie, you're gay.
2. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie, you're gay.
3. If you chose the Green Teletubbie, you're gay.
4. If you chose the Red Teletubbie, you're gay.

"As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP TEN SCAREST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . ..." Ouch!!!
2. "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell.. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
5. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
7. "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
8. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white man who inserts rodents up their butts."
9. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

Q: What does a lesbian bring with her on the second date?
A: A U-Haul.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A: Well hung.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A: Single!

Q: Why do lesbians like whales so much?
A: Because they have 50 foot tongues and breath out of the top of their heads!

Q: What do a lesbian and Jack Daniels have in common?
A: They are both hard lickers/liquors.

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Q: Is there anything a penis can do that a finger or tongue can't do?
A: Well urinate comes to mind.

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee?
A: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.

Q: What do you call a lesbian who lives up north?
A: A Klondyke.

Q: What's the most important question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians?
A: What would ya do for a Klondyke bar?

Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
A: Depends

Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!

Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?
A: Someone has to mow the yard.

Q: What do you call lesbian dinosaurs?
A: The lickalotopuss and the clitolickumus.

Q: How do you know if you have lesbians living next door?
A: Frequent U Hauls in front of the house.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles?
A: Militia Etheridge

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian?
A: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You don't taste like chicken!

The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

The second student says, "Nope, it must have been an electronics engineer. Just look at the way minute electrical impulses affect and control the critical organs."

The third student says, "You're both wrong. It had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

STRAY BARS

HOMO RIDDLES

Q: Why are they having trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
A: The scientists can't get the mice to butt-fuck.

Q: Did you hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: It is called "Leave It, It's Beaver".

Q: What do you call a gay midget?
A: A low blow!

Q: What do you call a homosexual with diarrhea?
A: Juicy Fruit!

Q: Did you hear about the new cereal called Queerios?
A: Add milk and they eat themselves!

Q: How can you tell you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs taste like shit.

Q: What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator?
A: The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

Q: What's the most common pick up line at a gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in for you?

Q: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
A: Mud flaps!

Q: What did the homo say when he saw his first jock strap?
A: Dig that crazy lunch box!

One queer says, "Gee, that looks fun."

The other says, "Go ahead, he looks friendly to me."

6:00 AM	Gym and Tanning Bed
8:00 AM	Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 AM	Hair Appointment
10:00 AM	Shopping
12:00 PM	Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa)
2:00 PM	Assume complete control of the US Federal, State, and Local Governments, as well as all other national governments; Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle; Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages; Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels; Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags", where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially-impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership; Bulldoze all houses of worship; and, Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM	Get beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by the stress of world conquest.
3:30 PM	Protein Shake
4:00 PM	Tea Dance
6:00 PM	Light Dinner (soup, salad, and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chardonnay)
8:00 PM	Theatre
11:00 PM	Bed du Jour

LESBIAN QUOTES

"They say that lesbians hate men. Why would a lesbian hate a man? They don't have to fuck them!"
- Roseanne

"I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, 'Who's the dyke in the dress?'"
- Karen Ripley

"Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. 'I had a great time with ... THEM.' Great! Now they don't think you're queer ~ just a big slut!"
- Judy Carter

"Introductions are tricky in a lesbian relationship. It's a word game. To my friends she's my lover, to strangers and family members in denial she's my roommate, to Jehovah's Witnesses at the door she's my lesbian sex slave, and to my mother she's Jewish and that's all that matters."
- Denise McCanles

"My lover asked me if I wanted to have children. I told her I didn't know, but we should keep trying."
- Suzy Berger

GAY MARRIAGE