Ghetto

Ghetto Resume Census 2000 - Check Black You Know It's a Ghetto Hair Salon When ... You Are Still Ghetto in 2000 If ... Colored? You Probly frum da Projeks If ... You Have a Black Mother If ... Ghetto Airlines Ghetto Prom Black Truths vs. White Truths If You See the Police ...

Note: All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't working are "none of your business but I was not on no welfare cause I done always worked at something nother."

Resume by The Professional Resume People, Inc. of South Central.

CENSUS 2000 - CHECK BLACK

If you have ever used a pressing comb
Check BLACK

If you can name all of the characters on the show Good Times
Check BLACK

If you have ever used a box relaxer or wave kit
Check BLACK

If you are a white woman and only date black men
Check BLACK

If you know what Fat Back and Hog Maws are
Check BLACK

If all your pillow cases in your home have grease stains
Check BLACK

If you sleep with a bag, wave cap, or do-rag on your head at night
Check BLACK

If you can name 3 Al Green songs
Check BLACK

If somebody in your family is called Big Mama
Check BLACK

If there is a can of grease on the back of your stove
Check BLACK

If your skin has ever been ashy and you know what that term means
Check BLACK

If you have ever used grease and water to make your hair lie down and look naturally wavy
Check BLACK

If you can wear a comb or pick in the back of your head, walk around, and it doesn't fall out
Check BLACK

If you have ever used a black eyeliner for a lip liner
Check BLACK

If your hair is 2 or 3 inches and the next day it is half way down your back
Check BLACK

If you refer to anyone (family or friend) as Pookey or Boo
Check BLACK

If you are a member of a church and the choir songs are choreographed
Check BLACK

If you have ever used gel of Dax to hold your hair down or make a pony tail
Check BLACK

If your name is or rhymes with Shaniqua
Check BLACK

If you understand ebonics or use it
Check BLACK

If you have tape recorded music on you answering machine
Check BLACK

YOU KNOW IT'S A GHETTO HAIR SALON WHEN ...

• All the stylists walk around with house slippers on.
• When your stylist takes a cigarette break and it's weed she smokes.
• You stylist is still there doing your hair even though she's supposed to be on bed rest.
• Four people are booked for the same 1:00 appointment.
• Your stylist calls YOU at the salon talking about "I overslept but I'm on my way".
• When your stylist finally arrives you can see that she had been to the club all night the night before because she still has on her club clothes.
• Every hairstyle, no matter what you are getting, requires that nasty brown gel.
• There's always that one stylist in the back that you can't tell whether it's a girl or a guy.
• The STYLIST'S head looks a mess.
• All the other stylists fake like some else's client's hair looks good until they leave the shop and then it's, "Girl I KNOW Shameeka ain't let her walk outta here like dat!"
• There's a receptionist's booth at the front of the shop but no one ever uses it because it's stocked with beauty supplies.
• The Asian man from the carryout across the street comes in and personally takes food orders.
• There's a hustler's car show outside of the shop every Saturday afternoon.
• Some crack head is always coming into the shop every five minutes trying to sell some deodorant or batteries.
• Everybody's trying to rush their clients out of the chair so they can get ready for their "hair show" that night.
• You have to divide your tips about four different ways because one permed you, one shampooed you, one wrapped you and your stylist finished you up.
• You get to the salon and your stylist isn't there, so you have to page her. When she calls back, you have to go pick her and her baby up.
• All the stylists have their babies at the shop taking turns between curling your hair and talking baby talk to the baby who is on the floor in a carrier.
• Your ears are ringing because "back dat a** up" is playing on your stylist's radio and she is singing along.
• Somebody is making a chicken run and is taking orders from the stylists AND the clients
• They got strawberry, orange AND grape in the coke machine, but no coke.
• Your stylist stops doing your hair to go outside and talk to her baby daddy.
• Your stylist has 10 Polaroid pictures from the club stuck around the mirror.
• Your stylist holds a 15 minute phone conversation with somebody while she styles your hair.
• The tape man Is there selling tapes for $5.
• She is dressed to the nines in designer wear.
• The owner of the shop and one of the stylist gets into a cussing match in front of the customers because she made an appointment after knowing that she has to perform later on that night.
• Your stylist has to finish eating her wing dinner before she can start on your hair
• The stylist starts dishing out the dirt on the client that just got her hair done and is out of the door.
• All of the stylists dress like they got part time jobs on the street corners.
• Someone always comes in begging for a free hairdo.
• When they send Boo-Boo's baby girl to the 99-cent store to buy your $10 "deep conditioner".
• When the stylists boyfriend comes in the shop with his boys and you are just hoping that they hurry up with your hair before there is a drive-by.

YOU ARE STILL GHETTO IN 2000 IF...

• Your grandma has gray Shirley Temple curls.
• You buy kids' social security numbers to get a larger income tax return check.
• You're a dark-skinned woman, but you dye your hair blond because you think it makes you look lighter.
• You are at the Maxwell concert, but your lights are turned off.
• You can't answer a question without phrases from a rap song. (ex: "Mr. Johnson, are you ready for your interview?" answer "I love it when you call me Mr. John-son, throw your hands in the air..." )
• You still don't know what Y2K stands for, but you bought a bunch of water and batteries.
• When you are at the bus stop and hear loud music, you start jammin'.
• You don't have a job because you are "in the studio."
• You have a trashcan in your car.
• You refuse to visit California because "it's going to break off into the ocean."
• You line your lips with black eyeliner and use red lipstick. Or you are still wearing that fuschia colored lipstick from the 80's.
• You have "Ja'Vonte" and some cherries tattooed on your neck.
• You follow the Black People's Dog Trends: German Shepherd 70's Doberman Pincher 80's Pitbull early 90's Rottweiler mid 90's to present
• Your children think their names are Man-Man and Punkin'.
• You and your friends say "AAAAAAAAA!" when you hear a song that you like.
• You are scared to use the phone during a storm, because you think that electricity is going to come through the line.
• You are doing the butterfly and your 2 year old child is raising the roof saying, "Go Angie, get busy!"
• You shake sunflower seeds in your fist.
• You think you're intelligent by mentioning your "comprutah" skills.
• You think $10 an hour makes you a baller.
• Your phone is cut off, but your cable is still on.
• You still grease your scalp with Vaseline.
• You refer to the Wayans Brothers as the Way-Nans.
• Your grandma told you were related to the Jackson family or Thomas Jefferson.
• You don't come to work on your birthday.
• Your name starts with an unnecessary prefix: Ka-Rhonda La-Michael Sha-Tina
• Your first name is African, but your last name is Brown, Jones, etc.: Akini Mazulu Adebisi Brown
• Your grandma still does hair in the kitchen.
• You style your hair, and you keep the coconut grease on the back of your hand.
• You refer to your supervisor as your boss man/ boss lady.
• You have the bootleg cable man's number in your wallet.
• You dig in your ears with bobby pins.
• You have to wait on your settlement to make a purchase.
• You make that irritating scratching-the-inside-of-your-throat noise.
• You thought "Belly" was great Black Cinema.
• You buy jewelry at the train station.
• You still wear pom-pom footies.
• You don't know whether you have a checking or savings account, because you refer to it as a "bankin' account."
• You live in the projects but you only wear Versace.
• You defraud the Food Stamp Program so that you can have the bomb BBQ.
• You don't eat pork, but you drink forties and smoke cigarettes (or marijuana).
• You keep used grease in a can on the stove.
• You say, "lightskin-ded, skreet, vomick, frew, baffroom, ambalams, and rockweiler."
• Everytime you hear a song, you do the routine from the video.
• You wash plastic ware.
• You always use the suffix "nem" when talking about your mama.
• You say "finna" and "cain't".
• You said your boy's cousin's neighbor just talked to 2Pac last week.
• You have to say, "My first baby mama / baby daddy..."
• You were in the East Coast/West Coast beef, but you live in Willacoochie, Mississippi.
• You have a rent-to-own 13" TV that you have to pay on for 3 years.
• You signed up for the "12 free CD's" 5 times under different names.
• You don't wash your hair because you think dirty hair grows faster.
• You have a technique to starting up your car.
• You can't eat anything without sauce. (honey mustard, hot sauce, ketchup...)
• You say your grandma is Indian even though her name is Jessie Mae Jackson.
• You have a gold nugget ring in the shape of a dollar sign.
• Your hairstyle makes you a foot taller.
• You like that cyber-hoodrat, Cita from BET.
• You cannot have a conversation without saying a word. "Hmmmm?" "Um-Hmm." "Umph, umph, umph!"
• You have a pair of gold shoes.

COLORED?

You white folks ...
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
So who you callin' colored?

YOU PROBLY FRUM DA PROJEKS IF ...

• The milk you drink requires water.
• You put sugar on your frosted flakes.
• Your kids were in your wedding.
• You call your mama by her first name.
• You can speak to more than ten neighbors at the same time
• You have a car phone and no car.
• You iron dirty clothes.
• You've been a guest on a talk show.
• You wear house shoes to the grocery store.
• You use clothes hangers as a TV antenna.
• You're married with kids and still live at mama's.
• Your shoes are black but the heels are gold.
• You cain't kant spell "can't".
• You still wear anything that says "Whoop, there it is!"
• You record over previously recorded tapes.
• Your mom does your hair in the kitchen.
• You don't pay your rent until you get a three-day notice.
• You put on panty-hose instead of shaving your legs.
• You buy clothes, wear them to a party and return them to the store the next day.
• You only go to church on Easter, on Mother's Day, or to meet men/women.
• Your first name begins with Ta', La', or Sha'.
• You took the batteries out of the smoke detector and put them in your pager.
• Your bank is a check-cashing place.
• You have to put stuff on layaway at the 99-centstore.
• Your man can wear his hair in a ponytail but you can't.
• You make sandwiches without meat in them (i.e.ketchup, syrup or mayonnaise sandwiches).
• You think putting batteries in the refrigerator charges them.
• When you were little, you had to be in the house before the street lights came on.
• You take bubble baths with dishwashing liquid.
• You return gifts for the money.
• You yell "Pookie" in your house and five people turn around.
• You think going to prison is "keeping it real."
• You save cooking grease.
• The only dates marked on your calendar are the 1st and the 15th.
• Your mama whipped you and your friends.
• You keep food stamps in your money clip.
• You think grease and water make your hair curly
• You wear tube socks with dress shoes.
• You add water to shampoo to stretch it.
• You put your kids to sleep with NyQuil.
• You use your welfare check as collateral.
• You can read your haircut.
• You use a toothbrush to style your "baby hair".
• You bought your rims before you bought your car.
• Your fingernails are longer than your fingers.
• You think jury duty is a good way to make money.
• You think going on a diet means no candy.
• You have a drawer in your kitchen just for condiments from fast food restaurants.

YOU HAVE A BLACK MOTHER IF ...

• You've ever been called downstairs from upstairs or to the back of the house from the front of the house to get the remote, change the TV channel, or fix her a clean glass of ice water.
• You've ever been hit with an extension cord, a switch, or the nearest shoe.
• You've ever had to pick your own switch off the tree and she sent you back because the one you picked was too little.
• You've ever been burned on your ear with a straightening comb.5. Your ponytails were so tight you got those little bumps on your head.
• The white people in the school office (principal, secretary,etc.) and folk on your job (once you're old enough to work) are scared of her.
• You were scared to go home when you had a bad report card.
• Alcohol, peroxide, cocoa butter, and vaseline were the main items in the bathroom cabinet.
• You've never been grounded - just beaten.
• You've ever been pinched for going to sleep in church.
• She made you participate in every church activity (choir, junior usher board, Easter play, Christmas play, etc.)
• She ever came inside and picked you up from a school dance in her gown and hair rollers.
• When you ask her for something, her response is ??You got a job??
• You've ever been beaten for something your sister or brother did just because you were around.
• She vacuums every day just so the carpet can have lines in it.
• You've ever been told to turn off the TV, get off the phone, or sit down and be quiet when it's storming
• You've ever been hung up on for calling her collect.
• Friends, family, and friends of the family try to keep you out of trouble because they know your mother and how she is.
• You were afraid to call the child abuse hotline. (I didn't know such a number existed!)
• She has to pray to God... "Lord, please don't let me hurt this child!"...before she gives you a whipping.

GHETTO AIRLINES

GHETTO PROM

BLACK TRUTHS VS. WHITE TRUTHS

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Anything below 45 degrees is cold. You should be wearing a jacket and long pants.
3. Jesus was not white.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. Yes, Black folks do tan!
6. There's a very thin line between being a legitimately cool white person and being an insulting wanna-be gangster.
7. Thomas Jefferson did father Sally Hemmings' children.
8. Bob Hope has never been funny.
9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beat the crap out of Rocky Marciano. (so would Muhammad Ali)
10. Making money does not make you a man.

1. O.J. did it.
2. Gold plating does not make everything better.
3. Just because you have ten fingers does not mean you have to wear ten rings.
4. Tupac is dead.
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Spandex and miniskirts are not for everyone.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. Larry Bird wasn't just "white hype"; he could play.
9. Your sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Making babies does not make you a man.

IF YOU SEE THE POLICE ...