Golf

Riddles The 19th Hole Golf Is Life Top Ten Things In Golf That Sound Dirty But Aren't 17 Reasons Golf Is Better Than Sex Watch Your Balls Golfing Accident The Red Tees Too Old to Believe in Santa Claus What a Dream! Religion and Golf Gimme Playing Through A Firm Grip Buttercups and Pussywillows The KKK and the PGA The Proper Respect Irish Golf Golf Can Hurt!

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

Q: What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times

• Ever notice that it's easier to get up at 6AM to play golf than at 10AM to mow?
• There are more good jokes about golf than there are good golfers.
• If a lucky shot looks intentional, who are you to argue?
• Golf is the ultimate love/hate relationship.
• Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
• If at first you don't succeed, you're probably on a golf course.
• You can relieve stress playing golf ... of course, the odds that an errant ball will hit your boss's car are a million in one.
• A clubhouse is the only place on earth where you'll hear more lying than at a singles bar.
• Golf isn't for the weak of heart or light of wallet.
• Any shot that doesn't result in the ball hitting a tree and bouncing back to hit you right in the face isn't too bad.
• The reason your real golf swing is not as good as your practice swing is that you are terrible.
• It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
• Golf is filled with unique experiences ... dressing out of the trunk of your car, for example.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up golf.
• Many are called, but few are available to fill a foursome at the last minute.
• When playing golf with your boss, remember: The French Army had dozens of dead ex-generals who outdrove Napoleon.
• Golf is the most exercise you can get while swearing.
• You haven't been golfing very long if you don't own at least one item of clothing with a golf course's name on it.
• Golf is like life ... only more important.
• If you rip out the seat of your pants bending over to pick up your ball from the cup, the only thing that should determine whether to continue is how you've been playing up to the time of the rip.
• Golf, and the world laughs at you.
• Golf is a game of inches ... that's how far most golfers are from going off the deep end after missing a three-foot putt.
• Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles and frogs, either.
• Whoever said money can't buy happiness never bought golf clubs.
• If golf were easy, men wouldn't have to lie to be good at it.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you end up praying a lot.
• The key to golf is a good stroke ... if you can fake a good stroke (or even a mild heart attack), you can gracefully bow out of any golf game.
• Wouldn't you be sad if golf balls didn't have dimples?
• Even though the golf course may be the site of immense agony, there's a consolation in knowing the course is putting some oxygen into the atmosphere.
• That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on yard work.
• Golf is like communing with nature using really foul language.
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
• If golf was meant to be relaxing, they wouldn't use terms like "tee off" and "hazard."
• It's a good thing you can't afford the clubs you really want or you wouldn't have anything to blame your score on.
• Golf is a lot like sex. You can practice a lot, but there's still no telling when you'll fail.
• There are two kinds of golfers ... the ones who cheat and the ones who lie.
• Golf is its own punishment for not doing something with your family.
• Golf has many intangible factors ... like the dumb-sucker luck of whoever happens to beat you.
• It's no coincidence that golf is a four-letter word.
• Your game will never get so good that you don't believe more expensive clubs would be a big help.
• Golf is for people who don't get enough stress from coffee and work.
• The best greens keepers alway need a haircut.
• Never play for money. You can lose just as much in the pro shop.
• Although women make good golfers, no one can string together profanities like a man.
• Golfing together is often the last thing a couple does together.
• Don't wear shoes that can be ruined by a ball-retrieving wade in the hazard.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• Carts are for wimps, unless you're not paying for them.
• Show me a golfer who doesn't lie, and I'll show you a guy who's lying about being a golfer.
• The fact that the word "golf" backwards is "flog" means absolutely nothing. Don't even think about it.
• Your score doesn't really matter, as long as it's better than everybody else's.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
• You're not really a golfer unless you can talk about it for six hours at a time.
• Forgetting your rain gear is as surefire a way to bring rain as washing your car.
• The best way to cure a slice is to allow for it.
• You can still look like a golfer while using gopher club-head covers, provided they don't clash with your pig-nose hat.
• If you hit ten balls at a tree, eight will get through, but if you hit only one ball at a tree, it will hit the tree.
• Each new round gives you a new least favorite hole.

1. Nuts . . . my shaft is bent.
2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. Look at the size of his putter.
5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
6. Mind if I join your threesome.
7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10. Hold up . . . I need to wash my balls first!

1. You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2. If you are having trouble with golf, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional golfer to show you how to improve your technique.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
4. If your partner takes any pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you later become famous.
5. Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
6. It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger you happen to meet at the golf course.
7. When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
8. If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by yourself.
10. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to worry if it's really an undercover cop.
11. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf equipment.
12. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
13. There's no such thing as a GTD (golf transmitted disease).
14. If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
15. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life, then give up the game if your partner loses interest in golfing.
16. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the purpose of golfing.
17. Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"

Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,'" the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you-I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game." The guys say OK and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball.

She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. The foursome gets to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. "Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job you will never forget." The guys think what a deal!

The son walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole ??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey ! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

The next time, the ball goes way left. "You're holding the club too loosely now. You need to be firm but gentle. I have an idea. Pretend that you are holding onto your husband's penis and we'll see if that gives you an idea of how firmly to hold the club."

This time the drive is right down the center of the fairway, but it only goes 25 yards. "Well, that was much better, but now why don't you take the club out of your mouth and we can go for distance?"

Frank found his ball in a field of buttercups. It was a decent lie, so he took a swing. He missed the ball completely and buttercups flew everywhere. He tried again with the same result. Suddenly with a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning, Mother Nature appeared. "What are you doing?" she asked indignantly. "Well, I'm golfing, of course," Frank replied. "Yes, but look at the mess you're making of my field of buttercups." "Sorry, but I can't take a penalty stroke just to save a few buttercups." Mother Nature threatened him, "If you ruin anymore, you won't like the consequences." He ignored, swung again, buttercups flew everywhere, but this time the ball landed on the fairway 30 yards away. "That's it! No more butter for you," Mother Nature shouted. With that, she was gone.

Frank thought that it was kind of strange, but he guessed he could live without butter. When he got to his ball, he yelled to his friend, "Bob, where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussywillows." "DON'T SWING, DON'T SWING!" screamed Frank.

"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun, and I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

A few weeks later the Irishman is out golfing again. As he's walking to the 16th green, he hears a voice calling him from the woods. He walks over, and sees the leprechaun again. He asks how his head is feeling. The leprechaun says, "Oh, I'm fine. And might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's funny you should ask, but it's been amazing. It seems I can't miss anymore!"

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun. "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a twenty dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your love life is?"

Now the golfer looks around, as if to be sure that no one else can hear, and says in a low voice, "Well, it's been okay."

"Just okay?" the leprechaun asks. "How often do you have sex?"

"Oh, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"

The golfer replies, "Well, that's really quite a lot for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, that he was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.