Jokes

Gross

Kids

Marriage and Dating

Sex

Cowboys and Indians

Animals

Clean Jokes

Midgets

Riddles

HEADLESS

 Two men camping in the mountains have spent four days together, and they're getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal-clear mountain lake. As I sat and dried out, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies, and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine! Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

PASS THE BALL?

 A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, as he takes a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

WHICH FLOOR?

 A guy and a gal meet in an elevator. The guy asks, "Which floor?"

The gal says, "Third floor."

The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, "Oh, going to give blood, I see."

Smiling, she says, "Yup, it's worth $30.00. Which floor are you going to?"

He replies, "Sixth."

She says, "Oh!! That's the sperm bank!"

He nods and says, "Right! It's worth $60.00!"

A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator again. The guy says, "Third floor again?"

The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head ... and holds up 6 fingers.

AIN'T NO BLIND MAN'S BLUFF

 A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here."

HOW BIG IS IT?

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

THE MATH STUDENT

 A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "How many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "The one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

YOUR TWINKIE?

 A little girl is sitting in a barbershop, eating a Twinkie while the barber cuts her hair. The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie." The little girl looks up with a big smile and says, "I know, and I'm getting tits too!!

AND WE CAN'T SUCK OUR THUMBS?

 Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs ... the father "gets" the message and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute, you two stay here and watch TV. we'll be right back, OK ?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on, and he tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and Dad's bedroom.

Back downstairs he goes, back to get his little brother. "Come with me," he says. The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!

NOMINAL IDENTIFICATION

 The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."

The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."

LAST NAMES

 A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what do you do when you only want one of them?" Asked the welfare lady.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

NEW MATH

 A man is having a mid-life crisis and decides to leave his wife. He leaves her a note.

"Dear Wife: I am 54 years old. By the time you read this I will be at the Sheraton hotel with my sexy and gorgeous 18-year-old secretary having the time of my life."

When he gets to the hotel, there's a note from his wife waiting for him:

"Dear Husband: By the time you read THIS, I'll be at the Westin hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy. And being an accountant you will realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18!"

THE STAMP COLLECTOR

 A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white." Reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.

"Impossible," says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not," the bride explained; "My first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him."

WHO WEARS THE PANTS?

 A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family."

The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said, "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes!"

VIAGRA CURE?

 An older man goes to the doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately. Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the next week the man shows up with his wife, the doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe. He then asks her to turn around a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet her husband. "Sir", the doctor says.." There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"

FIRE UP THE GRILL!!

 A couple had been married for fifteen years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge! I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." Needing to prove his point, he got a yardstick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said. "Just what I thought. About the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little sex?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

WHEN I'M DEAD AND GONE

 A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is to drink to death. So let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.

There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son whispered to his father, "Father, it isn't AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"

The father replied, "Aye, my son, you are right. But I don't want those guys screwing your mother when I'm gone."

READY BETTY?

 A man, the father of three young women, hears a knock at the door. "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here to get Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The man chuckles and calls his daughter. Flo runs out the door, and her and Joe leave. There is another knock at the door. "Hi, my name's Eddy, I'm here to get Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready?"

This time the man starts cracking up, but he still calls his daughter, and she and Eddy leave. Knock Knock. "Hi, my names Buck." The man slams the door shut.

MOOD WATCH?

 A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically communicate with me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast"

NOT THE VASELINE!

 This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

THE HOOKER AND THE TAXI DRIVER

 A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

THE PHARMACIST

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he says, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

GEEZ, I THINK IT'S STUCK

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does." "W-w- ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

THE PARROT

 A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. His green, purple and orange hair is spiked. His clothes are a tattered mixture of rags. His legs are bare and he has no shoes. His face and ears are riddled with piercings. His earrings are big bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat directly across from an old man who just glares at him for almost 10 miles. Finally the punker gets self-conscious and yells at the old man, "What are you staring at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy, I got real drunk one night and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son!"

SOUTHERN GIRL IN THE BIG CITY

 Two southern girls were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl had just gotten back from New York. She was telling her girlfriend about some of the sights she had seen in the big city.

In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up there who have sex with other women." In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?" She says, "They call them lesbians."

"And there's men who have sex with other men." "Oh, do tell?!" her friend says, "And what do they call them?" She says, "They call them homosexuals."

She pauses and lowers her voice even more when she says, "And they have these men up there, that will put their face in a woman's private parts and kinda lick around and stuff." "Do tell!!" her friend gasps, "What do they call them?" To which the girl coyly replies, "Oh, I don't know. I just patted him on the head and called him 'Precious'."

DUANE'S NEW NEIGHBOR

 Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open,and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.

Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,"Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? ... that was me."

INVISIBLE DICE

 (Tell this joke to a man) "I have two invisible dice in my hand."

(Hold out your hand) "Now, take one and put it on your forehead. Does that remind you of sex? Ok, then, put it back.

Now take the other and put it on your knee. Does that remind you of sex? Ok, then, put it back.

Now take both of them and shake them. Does that remind you of sex?"

CONDOM CLEANUP

 A man goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms, goes up to the front desk and tells the woman there, "I would like to buy some condoms." "What size?" she asks.

"I didn't know they came in sizes. How can I tell?"

The woman walks out from behind the counter, unzips his pants, feels around, zips them back up, goes back behind the counter and gets on the loud-speaker, "We need a box of extra-large condoms at the front desk." The man pays for them and leaves.

A younger man comes in and tells the woman there, "I would like to buy some condoms."

"What size?" she asks. "I didn't know they came in sizes. How can I tell?"

The woman walks out from behind the counter, unzips his pants, feels around, zips them back up, goes back behind the counter and gets on the loud-speaker, "We need a box of large condoms at the front desk." The man pays for them and leaves.

A teenager comes in and tells the woman there, "I would like to buy some condoms."

"What size?" she asks. "I didn't know they came in sizes. How can I tell?"

The woman walks out from behind the counter, unzips his pants, feels around, zips them back up, goes back behind the counter and gets on the loud-speaker, "We need a cleanup at the front desk."

WHOLE FINGER

 After an unfortunate accident on the job, a married man calls home to inform his wife that his finger was cut off by a bandsaw.

"The (w)hole finger?" she asked.

"No," he replied. "The one right next to it."

THREE TYPES OF ORGASMS

 Want to know what the three types of orgasms are?

#1 is the Religious Orgasm: "Oh, God! Ooooh, Gooood!"

#2 is the Positive Orgasm: "Yes! Yes! Yeeeeeeeesssss!"

#3 is the Fake Orgasm: (choose some male in the room, e.g. Rob) "Rob! Rob! Rooooob!"

HOME IMPROVEMENTS

 Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said, "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please?". To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.

The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" "Right!", John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

The next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?" Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some 'goodies' or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of 'goodies' did you bake for him?" And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

THE BUSINESSMAN AND THE CABBIE

 A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the fifth line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went. As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A QUICKIE

 A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."

THE GYNECOLOGIST

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. As he did so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said. "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. Then he asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

MEDICAL EMERGENCY

 A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY

A young boy went to his father and asked, "What is the difference between "potentially" and "realistically". The father answered, "Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean "Puffy" Combs for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.

So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"

Then he went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Sean "Puffy" Combs for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!"

The boy thought about it and went back to his dad. His father asked him if he found out the difference between "potentially" and "realistically". The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hoes."

DADDY AND AUNT JANE

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. "Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE

A little Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said,"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

THE PAINTING

 An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he was killed."

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those fucking Indians!!"

CHAPPED LIPS

 This cowboy comes galloping into town, jumps off his pony, and ties that sucker to the hitching post. He walks over and in full view of all the old coots on the porch, he lifts up the horse's tail and plants a big smooch right on that horses butt.

As he saunters up the steps, intent on washing down a whiskey or two, one of the old coots asks him, "Dag nabbit pard, what fer you kissin that horse's ass?"

"Chapped Lips," replies the cowboy.

"That cures chapped lips?" asks the old coot.

"Nah, but it sure keeps you from licking them!"

HEIMLICH MANEUVER

 Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

I CANNOT TELL A LIE

 Two Indians, Running Bear and Little Beaver went to the outhouse teepee, situated on the edge of a cliff. After using the outhouse teepee, they went back to the village. The next day, they again went to the outhouse teepee. Running Bear said, "Terrible, terrible! The outhouse teepee smells to high heaven! What should we do? We can't ever use it smelling like that!"

Little Beaver suggested, "Why don't we just push the outhouse teepee over the cliff and go build another one?" They both agreed and pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff.

A few days later, the chief of the tribe called a pow wow. He asked, "Who pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff?" No one answered. He then told this story. "When George Washington was a little boy, his father asked, ‘Who chopped down the cherry tree?' Little boy George answered, ‘It was I, father.' His father was so pleased with the truthful answer, that he rewarded little George, and later in life, he became the great leader of his nation. Now again, I ask, who pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff?"

Little Beaver, thinking he would get a reward, said, "It was I that pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff." In that moment, the Chief jumped on Little Beaver and severely beat him. He ended up in the hospital.

A month later, the Chief was visiting the hospital, and came across Little Beaver. Little Beaver asked, "Chief, why did you beat me up?"

The Chief answered, "George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree!!"

NO TALK

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The Indian looks completely shocked.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?", pointing to the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Indian once again looks totally bewildered.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", pointing at Indian.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The Indian looks utterly amazed.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

ONE STONE

This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment, Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he ravished her all day, he ravished her all night, he ravished her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he ravished her all day, ravished her all night, ravished her all the next day, ravished her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die.

The moral of the story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.

ONE STONE

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent."

BULL SHOPPING

 A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside one fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning of the bulls. The auctioneer describes the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do you say to THAT?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same old cow!!!"

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS

 A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?

SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN

 A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: OK, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmmm ...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

PENGUINS AND ICE CREAM

 Here's the audio-visual version!

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that his oil pressure light is on. He gets out and sees that oil is dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station he finds.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Of course, having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

Well, after finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."

TWO HUNTERS

 Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in the front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck!!! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

THREE LITTLE PIGS

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?

You're gonna hate me for this ...
hold on to your seat ...
scroll down for the answer

The third piggy said, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

THE DEBT COLLECTOR

 The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting". Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job thinking that if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf collector replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

SUPERIOR OFFICER

 A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a beautiful young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each because they are giving each other "the looks." Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the 'smack' of a kiss followed by the sound of the 'smack' of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word, all looking innocent.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl...but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she attempted to slap him and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting there pondering, "I'm glad the handsome Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

All the while the young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good! When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!!!"

THE ASSASSIN

 A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and one woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

YOUR OWN PERSONAL HELL

 A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge). The devil tells him, "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

The man answers, "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"

"Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, and assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity." The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

"Ouch," the man says. "That seems painful. It's not for me. What's next?"

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors. The man doesn't like this any better. "What else you got?" he asks.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee. The man thinks for a minute. "Well, the shit smells but it is soft. I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one."

The devil asks, "Are you sure this is the one you want."

"Absolutely!" the man answers.

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says, "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

ATR

 The Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was about to explode... and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR."

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button.

A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what the knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

The next thing he knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

YOU LOOK MAAAAHVELLLOUS!!!!

 A man walks into a healthfood restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies.

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts . . . they're complimentary !!

KEYSTONE FIREFIGHTERS

 A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

TOILET PAPER

 A young woman went to a plastic surgeon for breast augmentation. The doctor looked her over and said, "Well, the best advice I can give you would be to take some toilet paper and rub it all over your breasts."

The woman asked, "How would that help?" The doctor answered, "Well, it's worked wonders for your ass!"

CAMELS

 Agnes and Mildred were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Agnes pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Mildred asked, "What's that?"

Agnes answered, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Mildred asked, "Where did you get it?"

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Mildred hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Mildred answered, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel." The pharmacist fainted.

SOMETHING'S FISHY

 A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lot's of walleye, some bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did. They were in your tackle box."

GROANERS

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted (assaulted).

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

THE HOTEL BILL

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," co mplains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

THE IRS GENIE

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** >p> The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"All right now, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

MIDGET LOVE

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times."If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

DIMINUTIVE HARRASSMENT?

 A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! She visits her supervisor and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with him telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

RIDDLES

 Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in your laundry.

Q: What is the definition of eternity?
A: The time from when he comes and she goes home.

Q: How do you make a baby float?
A: One root beer and two scoops of baby.

Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit's finger.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle and a female deer?
A: A dildo.

Q: How is sex like euchre?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: Did you hear about the new cereal called Queerios?
A: You pour milk on them and they eat each other.

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
A: Put up a "Bingo" sign.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.