THE CONSTRUCTION SITE
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account.
When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay envelope. "I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"I will if we ever get the fucking bricks," answered the little girl.
BREAKFAST, YOUR MOST IMPORTANT MEAL
CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
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Charlie Brown and the little red-haired girl learn about unwanted
pregnancy in:
"I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Is Linus Gay?
"IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"
Charlie Brown moves back to his house in East L.A. in:
"OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"
See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
"NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"
What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's
twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:
"GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"
Schroeder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
"ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
"WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks
and stripping cars in:
"GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"
Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:
"WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"
We learn about VD in:
"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"
Toy Test: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Ingenuity Test: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Automobile Test: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."
"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off."
"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church."
"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."
"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."
"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church or do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. Besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon, anyway."
"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."
"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And ... that's why I believe in God."
DEEP THOUGHTS ... 15 AND UNDER
Here is some humor from a surprisingly visionary group-an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"......enjoy!
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.-Age 10
Home is where the house is. -Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.-Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.-Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. -Age 11
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -Age 7
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"-Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.-Age 15
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9
Confidential Opinions About Love
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8
The Personal Qualities You Need To Have In Order To Be A Good Lover
"Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8
Some Sure-Fire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9
How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." -- Christine, age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." -- Michelle, age 9
MAD-LIB
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs, a story his father had colorfully told him before. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to find building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house?' Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school!"
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means," said Jocelynn, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness.
My friend told me that he kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow.
"Where is your little brother right now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear -- he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
about the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.
Stressed over all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall!!!
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie
When prompted, choose "Open" and enjoy ... it is virus-free!
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now the kids' doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this."
Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.
YOUR KIDS' ARTISTRY?
If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person
who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some
stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck. I could draw pictures
much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being
that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty
to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A
through F for each piece:
Megan, Age 4
First of all, I don't even know what this is.
If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the
shittiest dog I've ever seen. F
Kyle, Age 8
You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I
could have sworn America's colors were red,
white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor. F
Lisa, Age 6
Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors.
Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit. F
Cameron, Age 4
Terrible F
Bryce, Age 10
This one wouldn't be too bad if the color was kept
inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used
non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to
paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but ... F
Jon, Age 8
Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to
be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of
shit. F
Rachel, Age 7
That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white.
Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or
should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F
Jason, Age 6
This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit
onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more
coherent than this. F
Seth, Age 4
Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm! F
Kelly, Age 9
This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up
your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift,
they'd come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a
lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you
some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like
this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and
some markers? F
ALL ABOARD
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and
her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now,
because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting
on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house! Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
THAT'S MY BOY!
Someone is an awfully proud father of this baby!
THINGS i'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
GREAT TRUTHS LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
WHY WE LOVE KIDS
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman
in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I
was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped
his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came
out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few
days ago. "
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his
mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then he
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing
the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she
extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair
of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy
will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't
let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
COWBOY BOOTS
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put
on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and
him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot
was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to, And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"
Her trial starts next month.
