New Slogans for Florida and Palm Beach County
Actual Quotations from an Eloquent Man
Voting Machine for Dade County
The United States and Foreign Aid
The United States and Its Allies
WHAT IS POLITICS?
A small boy asks his Dad, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to
explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny,
we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy
goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son. tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
NEW SLOGANS FOR FLORIDA AND PALM BEACH COUNTY
STATEMENT FROM JESSE JACKSON
I Apologize
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation.
I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation.
She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication, but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation.
My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination.
I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
Sincerely,
The Reverend Jesse Jackson
POLITICIANS' RETIREMENT
Did you know ... Our Senators and Congressmen don't pay in to Social Security, and, of
course, they don't collect from it. The reason is that they have a special retirement
plan that they voted for themselves many years ago. For all practical purposes, it works
like this: When they retire, they continue to draw their same pay, until they die, except
that it may be increased from time to time, by cost of living adjustments.
For instance, former Senator Bradley, and his wife, may be expected to draw $7,900,000, with Mrs. Bradley drawing $275,000 during the last year of her life. This is calculated on an average life span for each. This would be well and good, except that they paid nothing in on any kind of retirement, and neither does any other Senator or Congressman. This fine retirement comes right out of the General Fund: our tax money. While we who pay for it all, draw an average of $1000/month from Social Security.
Imagine for a moment that you could structure a retirement plan so desirable that people would have extra deducted so that they could increase their own personal retirement income. A retirement plan that works so well, that Railroad employees, Postal Workers, and others who aren't in it, would clamor to get in. That is how good Social Security could be, if only one small change were made. That change is to jerk the Golden Fleece retirement out from under the Senators and Congressmen, and put them in Social Security with the rest of us. Then watch how fast they fix it. If enough people receive this, maybe one or some of them along the way, might be able to help. How many can YOU send it to?
ACTUAL QUOTATIONS FROM AN ELOQUENT MAN
Who ever said that Marion Barry didn't deserve a second chance?
IT'S ME!
Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While
visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks
how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says
the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or
sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Well, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer, Al! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
VOTING MACHINE FOR DADE COUNTY
(Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now, ya hear!
THE UNITED STATES AND FOREIGN AID
The United States gives out $13.3 billion tax dollars in direct Foreign
Aid annually. The United States is far and away the single most generous
benefactor of the United Nations, donating $2.4 billion dollars of
YOUR money, primarily to third-world dictators. This amount is 25%
of the United Nations' budget. In addition, the United States also gives another
$1.4 billion tax dollars to United Nations' programs and agencies. The American
taxpayers fund more for the United Nations than ALL of the other 177 member nations
COMBINED.
What most Americans do not realize is that the vast majority of the recipients of the US Foreign Aid routinely vote against the wishes of the United States in the United Nations at an average rate of 74%. In other words, of the $13.3 billion tax dollars invested in direct Foreign Aid only about 26% or $3.5 billion went to support people who endorsed American initiatives or causes. A staggering $9.8 billion tax dollars went to causes and people who were and are in open and direct opposition to the United States' interests and objectives.
Listed below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations' records:
In the last year of the Taliban rule the people of Afghanistan gave safe haven to Osama Bin Laden and they received $143,000,000 in US Foreign Aid. The US State Department stated that the Sudanese government is guilty of providing a safe haven for a variety of terrorist groups including Osama Bin Laden's organization, The Egyptian Jihad, The Palestinian Islamic Jihad, and Hamas. The Islamic government has also conducted a literal reign of terror against the Christians living in the southern part of the country. The Palestinian Authority will receive $500 million dollars in US Foreign Aid over the next five years(!!!) This happened due to the Oslo "Agreement" of 1993, a deal which was endorsed and avidly supported by now New York Senator Hillary Clinton, who was then First Lady. The Clinton Administration sought to establish good relations with terrorist groups despite their support of terrorism and anti-Western stances. The Palestinians were seen on ABC News openly celebrating and dancing in the streets at the news of both suicide bombings on September 11th.
Israel, it must be noted, receives three billion in US Foreign Aid. However, for the last five years it has an average record of voting with the United States 94% of the time. There is clearly no incentive for most countries to support the United States, as they will receive US Foreign Aid regardless of their stances. Perhaps it is time for the United States to deny things such as money, education and scientific, technological, and medical expertise to nations who simply will not assist or protect American interests.
THE UNITED STATES AND ITS ALLIES
As most of you have probably figured out, I never was a big
Bush fan. But if he were to give the following speech, I would actually vote for
him next election.
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraqi conflict. This list is short: The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List Two ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to re-direct this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List Two. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List Two. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty --- starting now. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America. We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its isolationist destiny. I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first actions which that august body should take as we move in a new direction.
Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about taking one of those cruises up to Alaska. Personally, I could care less who gets elected in 2004. Throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator Clinton. She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet.
To the nations on List Two, a final thought. Drop dead. To the nations on List One, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you. God bless America. Thank you and good night.
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School, CA staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came
about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
If you can read this thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
SOBERING IMMIGRATION FACTS
From the L. A Times
STAGES OF DEMOCRACY
About the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in 1787, Alexander
Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about
the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2000 years prior:
"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:
Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some 40 percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.
If the Senate grants amnesty and citizenship to 20 million illegals and they vote, then goodbye USA in less than 5 years.
PAUL HARVEY SAYS ...
I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho
song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when
my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution. Life, liberty or your pursuit of
happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.
So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts.
They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players
on the field and the fans going home from the game.
"But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue.
Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect? Somebody chanting Hare Krishna?
If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer. If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer. If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha. And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome ..
"But what about the atheists?" is another argument.
What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!
Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.
God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well ... just sue me. The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back and we WILL WIN!
God bless us one and all . especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.
May 2006 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.
A MODERN DAY BILL OF RIGHTS
The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and others.
We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
