Things to Ponder

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island Think About It Things to Ponder 9 Things That Annoy Me Some Thoughts Steven Wright One-Liners Random Observations Deep Thoughts Personal Glimpses Modern Truisms Life Explained

Here we go:

• Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called "MacGyver".

• For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour.

  As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.

• And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

• What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a THREE-HOUR cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.

• We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did NOTHING during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.

• This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.

And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan. Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why is a boxing ring square?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it that rain drops, but snow falls?
• Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
• Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive..?

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• Remember ... half the people you know are below average.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
• Snowmen fall from Heaven ... unassembled.
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• I bought some instant water. I had no idea what to add...
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
• When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" it's always a negative one.
• The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
• The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
• Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed that when you drive, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
• Did you ever notice that Tarzan doesn't have a beard?
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
2. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dork, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for god's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
• Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
• There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
• It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.
• It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
• I don't get even, I get odder.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• I am a nutritional overachiever
• I believe in youthenasia
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
• I am having an out-of-money experience.
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
• If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
• I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them?
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they know you don't have?
• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
• Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

• They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed when you drive that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
• Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
• Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
• Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why is a boxing ring square?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it that rain drops, but snow falls?
• Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
• Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive..?

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." --- George Carlin

• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
• If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Eschew obfuscation. (go ahead, look them both up!)
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• What happens when none of your bees wax?
• Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained.