You Know You're Trailer Trash When ...
A Different Kind of Redneck Love Poem
Advice for Yankees Moving South
More Advice for Northerners Moving South
Top 39 Things You Will Never Hear a Southerner Say
Best of the Worst Country Song Titles
REDNECK RIDDLES
Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has the name of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his widow?
A: She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: What is the best bar pick-up line in Kentucky?
A: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
Q: How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q1: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A1: A documentary.
Q2: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A2: "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: What's the difference between a redneck zoo and a regular zoo?
A: A redneck zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit... From way back there I thought you said "Goats".
Proof that you are a well-bred redneck ...
REDNECK LOVE POEM
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway
Yore as satisfy'n as okry
just a-fryin in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yore there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yore as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yore just too special,
you sweet thang you
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds ...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR
Luv, from yore Romeo
A DIFFERENT KIND OF REDNECK LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy."
| 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. | True or False |
| 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. | True or False |
| 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. | True or False |
| 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. | True or False |
| 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. | True or False |
| 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. | True or False |
| 7. Semen is a term for sailors. | True or False |
| 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. | True or False |
| 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. | True or False |
| 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. | True or False |
| 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. | True or False |
| 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. | True or False |
| 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. | True or False |
| 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. | True or False |
| 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. | True or False |
| 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. | True or False |
| 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. | True or False |
| 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. | True or False |
| 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. | True or False |
| 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. | True or False |
| 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. | True or False |
| 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. | True or False |
| 23. Pornography is the business of making records. | True or False |
| 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. | True or False |
| 25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". | True or False |
| Find | hunt-fer it |
| Go to | over yonder |
| Back | back yonder |
| Help | hep me out here |
| Stop | ternit off |
| Start | crank it up |
| Settings | sittins |
| Programs | stuff that does stuff |
| Documents | stuff I done done |
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag!"
ADVICE FOR YANKEES MOVING SOUTH
| The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes | The South has 'mater samiches |
| The North has coffee houses | The South has Waffle Houses |
| The North has switchblade knives | The South has Lee Press-on Nails |
| The North has double last names | The South has double first names |
| The North has Ted Kennedy | The South has Jesse Helms |
| The North has an ambulance | The South has an amalance |
| The North has the Mafia | The South has the Klan |
| The North has Indy car races | The South has stock car races |
| The North has Cream of Wheat | The South has grits |
| The North has green salads | The South has collard greens |
| The North has lobsters | The South has craw dads |
| The North has the rust belt | The South has the bible belt |
Many many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters more,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandmaw too.
So if my wife is my grandmaw,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmaw,
I am my own grandpaw!
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
REDNECK PHOTO ALBUM
Floods Don't Stop Rednecks from Fishing
Redneck Beauty Pageant Bathing Suit Contest
Redneck Style Spring Break
Rednecks Skiing
Redneck Dog House
Redneck Pick-Up
Redneck Wedding Cake
Redneck Doorbell
Redneck's Boat
Redneck Grill
Redneck Cup Holder
Redneck Horseshoes
Redneck Lawnmower
Redneck Race Fan
Redneck Weather Station
Redneck Pet Carrier
Redneck Gingerbread House
Redneck Guest Bedrooms
Redneck Powerball Winner
911 FOR REDNECKS
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
| Artery...................... | The study of paintings. |
| Benign...................... | What you be after you be eight. |
| Bacteria.................... | Back door to cafeteria. |
| Barium...................... | What doctors do when patients die. |
| Cesarean Section............ | A neighborhood in Rome. |
| Catscan..................... | Searching for Kitty. |
| Cauterize................... | Made eye contact with her. |
| Colic....................... | A sheep dog. |
| Coma........................ | A punctuation mark. |
| D&C......................... | Where Washington is. |
| Dilate...................... | To live long. |
| Enema....................... | Not a friend. |
| Fester...................... | Quicker than someone else. |
| Fibula...................... | A small lie. |
| Genital..................... | Non-Jewish person. |
| G.I.Series.................. | World Series of military baseball. |
| Hangnail.................... | What you hang your coat on. |
| Impotent.................... | Distinguished, well known. |
| Labor Pain.................. | Getting hurt at work. |
| Medical Staff............... | A Doctor's cane. |
| Morbid...................... | A higher offer than I bid. |
| Nitrates.................... | Cheaper than day rates. |
| Node........................ | I knew it. |
| Outpatient.................. | A person who has fainted. |
| Pap Smear................... | A fatherhood test. |
| Pelvis...................... | Second cousin to Elvis. |
| Post Operative.............. | A letter carrier. |
| Recovery Room............... | Place to do upholstery. |
| Rectum...................... | Darnn near killed him. |
| Secretion................... | Hiding something. |
| Seizure..................... | Roman emperor. |
| Tablet...................... | A small table. |
| Terminal Illness............ | Getting sick at the airport. |
| Tumor....................... | More than one. |
| Urine....................... | Opposite of you're out. |
| Varicose.................... | Near by. |
