GETTING A BIKE
When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realized that God doesn't work
that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
RIDDLES
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews can't run and hide in the corner when the collection plate is passed.
Q: What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
A: Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years old.
THE TRUCK DRIVER, THE PRIEST AND THE LAWYER
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down
the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would
swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's ok," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
THE BICYCLING NUNS
Two nuns were riding their bicycles. One says to the other, "Do you usually come this way?"
The other answers, "No, it must be the cobblestones."
PASTOR FUZZ
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day
he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation
sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something
a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat
down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."
PAGAN WEB: A LITTLE CATHOLIC HUMOR
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
Monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take
a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on his door:
KIDS' BIBLE CLASSES
Actual responses given by children in bible classes around the country:
KFC AND THE POPE
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel
calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?"
"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10,000,000 to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50,000,000 if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100,000,000 to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100,000,000 to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
A GAUDDAM FISH STORY
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and
said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name
in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister
said, "Oh, ok."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it--- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said... "I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"
THE SPEED LIMIT
A police officer pulled over a nun driving a car, and said, "Ma'am, you're driving too slow,
could you please drive faster?"
And the nun says, "Oh, I saw the sign with the ‘21' and assumed the speed limit was 21."
The officer explains: "No ma'am, the speed limit is 65, the highway is 21." Then the police officer looks in the back and see the other two nuns shaking like leaves."Excuse me, Sister, but what's wrong with those two?"
"Oh, that's because we just got off Highway 145."
WHY PROOFREADING IS SO IMPORTANT!
Typographical errors found in church bulletins:
CAUSES OF ARTHRITIS
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The
man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest
and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be ..." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
RELIGIOUS BRAS
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department
store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd
like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic Type, The Salvation Army Type, and The Baptist Type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
DEVOUT PARROTS?
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered."
FATHER O'LEARY
Father O'Leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee. He peeks
his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews.
He calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the
bathroom. "Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them
the appropriate penance. There's a list posted on this side of the confessional. For
theft, 6 Hail Mary's. For murder, 12 Hail Mary's and an hour of silent prayer, and so
on, you got it?" The boy nods and proceeds to wait.
Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins. "Father, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession." The boy, in a low, manly voice responds "Yes, go on my child." She tells him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband. The boy scans the list saying to himself, "Blowjob, blowjob, where's the friggin' blowjob?" Well there's no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy," Hey Tony, what does Father O'Leary give for a blowjob?"
Tony says, "Well ... usually, a handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar."
GOD CALLING
Some new billboards are getting some attention in Dallas. The billboards are a
simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
is included. Enjoy!
IRISH LOGIC
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street
from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then
ducking into the house. "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace,
those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their
heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him. "Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!"
JESUS AND ETHNICITY
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
A CAN OF PEANUTS
A young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral job. He was still very shy and
unconfident, having recently graduated Theology Classes in the lower percentile of his class.
His first appointment was to visit one of his members that supposedly was very ill and needed
cheering up. This was his first visit to any of his congregation, and he nervously rang the
door bell, and heard her call out "come in".
He stepped inside the door, removed his hat, and walked toward the part of the house from which he heard the voice. Seeing the elderly woman relaxing on the sofa, and noticing the thread bare material and sparse furnishings in the house, he quickly, silently, asked the Lord for help.
On the beat up old coffee table in front of the couch, sat a small clear dish about half full of peanuts. As he sat there talking to the lady, he nervously started eating the nuts, and as he rose to leave, he realized he had eaten every one. Knowing she probably didn't have any more, he was embarrassed and apologized, and told her he would quickly return with a whole large can."Naw, that's alright, she replied, in her toothless voice."I couldn't chew them anyhow, and I'd done sucked all the chocolate off them, and I sure hated to see them go to waste."
NUNS AND HOLY WATER
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to pass through
the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?" The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my
finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies, "Well I once fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?"
The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
NUNS AND HOLY WATER
Two nuns are asked to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from
Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
THE RIVER
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the
beer in the world, I`d take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I`d take it and throw it into the river." And then
finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I`d take it and throw it into
the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to
cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who promised that he could diagnose the Pope.
After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.
He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits."
RELATIVITY
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to
me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars
was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Certainly, just a second."
MATHEMATICAL AND LOGICAL
Two nuns went out of their convent for a walk. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and
the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
| SL: | Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? |
| SM: | Yes, I wonder what he wants. |
| SL: | It's logical. He wants to rape us. |
| SM: | Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? |
| SL: | The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. |
| SM: | It's not working. |
| SL: | Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. |
| SM: | So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. |
| SL: | The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both. |
| So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent worried about what had happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrived. | |
| SM: | Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! |
| SL: | The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. |
| SM: | Yes, yes! But what happened then? |
| SL: | The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. |
| SM: | And? |
| SL: | The only logical thing happened. He reached me. |
| SM: | Oh, dear! What did you do? |
| SL: | The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. |
| SM: | Oh, Sister! What did the man do? |
| SL: | The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. |
| SM: | Oh, no! What happened then? |
| SL: | Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down ... |
GOD IN THE EYES OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
This one was written by an 8-year-old from Chula Vista, CA, for his third-grade
homework assignment. The assignment was to explain God. Wonder if any of us could do
as well???
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off." God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church." "Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K." His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in Heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important." You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."
"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway." If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids." But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.
I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND LIFE, JUST ASK THE KIDS
THAT'S A HARD ONE
Three nuns all happened to die on the same day and approached St. Peter at the pearly gates at
the same time. St. Peter tells them, "Sisters, just like anyone else, you will have to each
answer a question in order to get into Heaven." He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man?"
"Oh, that's easy," she answers. "Adam." Trumpets sound, doves fly, the gates fly open and the sister walks through.
St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman?"
"Oh, that's easy," she answers. "Eve." Trumpets sound, doves fly, the gates fly open and the sister walks through.
St. Peter asks the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun pauses for a second and says, "That's a hard one." Trumpets sound, doves fly, the gates fly open and the sister walks through.
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS!
Dear Grandson,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger pointing up at the heavens above. When I asked your cousin Davey in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that some of the people were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
REVEALATION VS. GENESIS
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until
he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he
had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
PREACHING TO A BEAR?
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students
of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three
times a week for coffee and to talk "shop". One day someone made the comment that
preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to
a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do
a 7-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach
to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Well," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into the woods to find me a bearr. Oond when ey find him ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Chatecism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do wit' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and, the saints be praised, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "Well brothers ... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle ... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures!"
C&E SQUIRRELS?
Squirrels had overrun three churches in a small town. Afer much prayer,
the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined
to be there. "Who were they to interfere with God's will?" they reasoned.
Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church, the Catholic church, that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
MULDOON
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father,
me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
BELLS WILL BE RINGING
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a
small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell
rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had
not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Ralph. Poor Ralph.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Ralph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring....
HEAVEN OR HELL?
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood
curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only
someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that!"
THE PARKING SPACE
Peter was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and
couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on
me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my
life, and I'll give up whiskey too."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Peter looked up toward heaven again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
YOU KNOW YOUR CHURCH IS A REDNECK CHURCH IF ...
