Sex

Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter The Princess's Problem Pork, the Other White Meat Possible Slogans for National Condom Week Orgasms Erotic Q & A Nudist Colony Riddles How Dirty Is Your Mind? What Is Taxable?!? Stanley the Sperm •~ What an Introduction The Nymphomaniacs Convention Sex Signals Slang for Sex The Demands of the Working Stiff Strange Laws ... About Sex Sex and Health Facts About Sex

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse? (talk)
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? (legs)
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? (a twenty dollar bill)
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? (firetruck)
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? (bunt, runt, hunt, punt, aunt)
6. What does a dog do that you can step into? (pants)
7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? (fork)
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? (Almond Joy)
9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? (grit)
10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? (last name)

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking you pervert?

• Cover Your Stump Before U Hump
• Before You Attack Her, Wrap Your Whacker
• Don't Be Silly, Protect Your Willy
• When in Doubt, Shroud Your Spout
• Don't Be a Loner, Cover Your Boner
• You Can't Go Wrong If You Shield Your Dong
• If You're Not Goin to Sack It, Go Home and Whack it
• If You Think She's Spunky, Cover Your Monkey
• If You Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure to Condomize
• It Will Be Sweeter If You Wrap Your Peter
• She Won't Get Sick If You Wrap Your Dick
• If You Go in Heat, Package Your Meat
• While You're Undressing Venus, Dress up Your Penis
• When You Take off Her Pants and Blouse, Zip up Your Trouser Mouse
• Especially in December, Gift Wrap Your Member
• Never, Never Deck Her with an Unwrapped Pecker
• Don't Be a Fool, Vulcanize Your Tool
• The Right Selection Will Protect Your Erection
• Wrap it in Foil Before Checking Her Oil
• A Crank with Armor Will Never Harm Her

• Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
• Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
• Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
• Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
• Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
• Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
• Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
• Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
• Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
• Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
• Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
• Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
• Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
• Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
• Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
• Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
• Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
• Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
• Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
• Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
• Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
• Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
• Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
• Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
• Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
• Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
• Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
• Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
• Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
• Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
• Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
• Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
• Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
• Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
• Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
• Sex while traveling - tour-gasms.
• Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
• Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
• Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
• Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
• Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.

EROTIC Q & A

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.

Q: What is the definition of "wicker box"?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her: "This is the way your sister likes it too." You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.

Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants?!

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.

Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone but you.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND?

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long, the function of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm fleshy moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again several times in succession, often quickly and usually accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it usually leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush!

0-11 Yikes!
2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter!!
5-7 Good job.
8-10 Are you asexual?

WHAT IS TAXABLE?!?

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet if your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

10-12 inches	Luxury Tax	$30.00
8-10	Pole Tax	25.00
5-8	Privilege Tax	15.00
4-5	Nuisance Tax	3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

Stanley said, "Look, pal, only one sperm •~ gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one."

A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might." Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, it fact, it is the Native American Indian Who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

The wife agreed. "Well, I'm all for that. What did you have in mind?"

The husband replied, "When you do want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis twice. When you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis 750 times."

1. Taking the log to the beaver
2. Slipping her the salami
3. Putting the hot dog in the bun
4. Burying your bone
5. Taking the skinboat to tuna town
6. Riding the wild baloney pony

THE DEMANDS OF THE WORKING STIFF

• I do physical labor
• I work at great depths
• I work head first
• I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
• I work in a damp environment
• I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
• I work in high temperatures
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases

• You do not work 8 hours straight
• You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team
• You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
• You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
• You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
• You don't always observe Workplace, Health and Safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
• You don't wait till pension age before retiring
• You don't like working double shifts
• You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious-looking bags

• In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
• In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Would make things a little tricky.)
• Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)
• There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
• In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
• Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
• In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
• In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass a law?)
• In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!)

SEX AND HEALTH

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

FACTS ABOUT SEX

• Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
• Lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
• Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
• Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
• Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
• The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
• Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
• Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The Sex Fairy will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.