Special High Intensity Training
The Many Uses of the Word "Shit"
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The Shit List
Special High Intensity Training The Many Uses of the Word "Shit"
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The Clean Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
The Wet Shit
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Second Wave Shit
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Shit
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Corn Shit
No explanation necessary.
The Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Notorius Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit" Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
The Wet Cheeks Shit
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The Liquid Shit
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
The Crack Flapper Shit
This shit seems to create its own weather system. Your butt cheeks feel like they're flapping in the wind when this shit comes out.
The Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The "On the Clock" Shit
This is any shit that you take while you are punched in at work. Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.
The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The "Best Nickel I Ever Spent" Shit
This is any shit that you take in a "pay" bathroom. Thankfully, there aren't too many of these left. If you're ever in a Mexican border town, be sure to try one!
The Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should berecorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Shit
This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
The "Honeymoon's Over" Shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
The Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
The Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
The Peek-a-Boo Shit
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
The Bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
The Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
The Olympic Shit
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
The Back-to-Nature Shit
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
The Pebbles-from-Heaven Shit
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
Premeditated Shit
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Shitzopherenia
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
Energizer vs Duracell Shit
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
The Rocket Shit
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Shit
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Shit
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
The Porridge Shit
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
The "I'm Going to Chew My Food Better" Shit
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
The "I Think I'm Turning into a Bunny" Shit
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The "What the Hell Died in Here?" Shit
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
The "I Just Know There's a Turd Still Dangling There" Shit
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe latermarried Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your Manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and your Manager shall be responsible for seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously, will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our Managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to qualify for the position of D.I.P. S.H.I.T. Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of the Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Boss In General Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Escapee: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak: (Used in conjunction with Escapee) When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.
Walk of Shame: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the Courtesy Flush.
Out of the Closet Pooper: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
The Pooping Friends Network (PFN): A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify Safe Havens.
Safe Havens: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo Cough: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.
Astaire: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.
Uncle Ted: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.