You Know You're from Northern Pennsylvania When ...
Papa Lion, Mama Lion, and Baby Lion
You Know You're from Pennsylvania When ...
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Satan and Pennsylvanians You Know You're from Northern Pennsylvania When ... Papa Lion, Mama Lion, and Baby Lion You Know You're from Pennsylvania When ...
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SATAN AND PENNSYLVANIANS
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of
judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march
right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to
Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of
hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side
into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering ... why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Pennsylvania ... they're still too cold and wet to burn."
PENNSYLVANIA REALITY TV
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several area TV stations are joining
together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Central Pennsylvania."
The contestants will start in Altoona travel over to Huntingdon and on to Port Royal. From there they will head down to McConnellsburg and over to Bedford. They will then proceed over to Somerset, up to Johnstown and Phillipsburg, finally ending up back over in Altoona.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New York license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay, a Vegetarian and NASCAR Sucks," "Go Yankees!", "Smoking is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2004", "Deer Hunting is Murder", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one who makes it back to Altoona alive wins.
A PITTSBURGH STORY
Two Pennsylvania boys are playing basketball when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A Pittsburgh Post Gazette reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Steeler Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Steeler fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts again. "Penn State Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Penn State fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in the state of Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or for the Nittany Lions. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cleveland Browns fan." The boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
A TRUE STEELERS FAN
A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Steeler's playoff game. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The
seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for a Steeler's playoff game, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Steelers game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTHERN PENNSYLVANIA WHEN...
PENNSYLVANIANS
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in New Jersey."
THE DEER HUNTER
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
WE ARE ... PENN STATE!!!
A guy from Nebraska, a guy from Michigan, and a guy from Penn State are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The guy from Nebraska says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming.
The Michigan guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Michigan, so that no Penn Staters can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Michigan.
The Penn Stater asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out" The Penn Stater says, "Fill it up with water."
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PAPA LION, MAMA LION, AND BABY LION
The gossip in the forest was hot when the news got out that things were not
well in the house of the Three Lions. It seemed that Papa Lion and Mama Lion
had irreconcilable differences, and were going to get a divorce. The case
ended up in Judge Judy's court room. After having hammered out the property
settlement, Judge Judy figured that all that remained was to decide on the
custody of Baby Lion.
She looked him over, determined he was a pretty well-grown cub, and decided to ask him what he wanted. "Baby Lion," said Judge Judy, "you know we have to make some decisions about where you're going to live, and with whom. Would you like to live with your father?"
"Oh, no!" said Baby Lion. "Papa Lion beats me!"
Judge Judy was horrified. "That's terrible!" she said. "And I certainly won't make you live with him. You want to live with your mother, then?"
"Oh, no!" Baby Lion said again. "Mama Lion beats me, too!"
"That's absolutely awful!" Judge Judy said, giving both the adult lions a scathing look. Then she turned back to Baby Lion and asked gently, "Well, Baby Lion, if you don't want to live with either your father or your mother because they both beat you, who would you like to live with?"
Baby Lion thought for a minute, then said, "I'd like to go live with the Nittany Lions. They don't beat anybody."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PENNSYLVANIA WHEN ...
CROSBY, PA
Crosby -- a place where men are men and sheep are nervous.
WELCOME TO PENNSYLVANIA
Our seasons, of which there are only two, are Winter and Construction
State Animal
State Historical Marker
State Mineral
State Flag/State Statue
State Motto
State Tree
State Joke
