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Help a Hockey Player Now Sports Funnies A Wee Problem A Pittsburgh Story How to Get Women to Watch Hockey A True Eagles Fan Riddles Poor J.J. The Starting Rotation Find great prices on the latest Nike Baseball Bats

HELP A HOCKEY PLAYER NOW

But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. HUNDREDS of professional hockey players in both of our nations are locked out of work, and FORCED to live at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if THAT weren't bad enough they will be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, and possibly even longer, as a result of the lockout situation. But YOU can help!

For ONLY $20,835 a month, or $694.50-a-day (so say only $700-a-day ... that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically solvent during his time of need. This contribution by NO MEANS solves the problem as it barely covers the MINIMUM salary, but it's a START, and every LITTLE BIT like this will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will PARTIALLY replace his daily salary. Think how hard it must be for these players.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. And instead of being alone during this dangerously vulnerable time, they may even be able to enjoy the company of their much-loved supermodel girl friends instead of just "average women". I remind you: think how difficult this must be for these poor tragic souls.

How will YOU know THAT YOU'RE HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k) or RRSP's, real estate properties, and other investment holdings will be mailed DIRECTLY to YOUR home. PLUS, by just signing up for this program, you will receive an UNsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). You can put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

How will HE know YOU'RE HELPING?

Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know YOUR name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for his unforeseen expenses. It's easy to help. Just complete the self-explanatory information below, and the rest will be taken care of for you.

YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check applicable spaces below):

[ ] Forward; [ ] Defenseman; [ ] Goaltender
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900-number to inquire about the donation for a specific team - $10 per minute)

Note: [ ] Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, and for a LIMITED TIME ONLY you'll also receive the "Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement" .. AND .. my very own "Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA Player's Union) Pin" to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number:_______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard; [ ] Visa; [ ] American Express; [ ] Other
Signature_______________________

ALTERNATE card (WHEN the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Telephone Number:_______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard; [ ] Visa; [ ] American Express; [ ] Other
Signature_______________________

PITTSBURGH STEELERS RIDDLES

Q. What do the Steelers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Steelers player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Pittsburgh in case of a tornado?
A. Heinz Field - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. Why doesn't Johnstown have a professional football team?
A. Because then Pittsburgh would want one.

Q. Why was Bill Cowher upset when the Steeler playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Steelers and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers.

Q. What do the Steelers and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Steelers are going to run the football?
A. Kordell leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

• Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

• Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

• New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

• And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

• Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

• Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

• Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

• Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

• Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

• Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #@&%$#@ clothes."

• Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

• Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

• Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

• Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

• Chuck Nevitt, NC State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

• Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

• Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

• Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

• Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

• Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

• Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

• Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

• Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "

• Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings".

• Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

• Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

• Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark: "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

• Winston Bennett, University of KY basketball forward: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

• George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach: "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."

• Yogi Berra, New York Yankees manager: "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."

"Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts again. "Penn State Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he jots in his notebook.

"I'm not a Penn State fan either," the boy responds.

"I assumed everyone in the state of Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or for the Nittany Lions. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cleveland Browns fan." The boy says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

RIDDLES

Q: Why do the University of Michigan cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Q: Why do they no longer serve ice at Pitt football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Q: Why is the Ohio State football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

Q: What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why did Ohio State replace natural grass with Astroturf?
A: To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

Q: How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU.

Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Ann Arbor, MI. He knew that the police would never search there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: Why did O.J. want to move to Blacksburg, VA?
A: Everyone there has the same DNA.

Q: Why are the Sabres changing their name to Tampons?
A: They're only good for one period.

Q: What does the average Minnesota player get on his SAT's?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push like hell.

Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash the rest of the week.

POOR J.J.

STARTING ROTATION

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday!"