1997 Darwin Award Honorable Mentions
1998 Darwin Award Honorable Mentions
Not the Brightest Bulbs in the Store
It's Hard to Believe That Certain People Survive
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2005 Darwin Awards 1997 Darwin Award Honorable Mentions 1998 Darwin Award Honorable Mentions Not the Brightest Bulbs in the Store It's Hard to Believe That Certain People Survive
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2005 DARWIN AWARDS
It's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the
glorious winners.
And now, the honorable mentions:
1997 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals,
who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. "You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.
Lompoc, CA: In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Dahlonega, GA: According to police, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
Selbyville, DE: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Windsor, ONT: In February, according to police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
San Francisco, CA: In October, a 49-year-old stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Detroit, MI: In September, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Guthrie, OK: In October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
Andover Township, NJ: Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
Betulia, Columbia: Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: An annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."
La Grange, GA: Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."
Tacoma, WA: Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
Northwestern New South Wales, Australia: A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3,000-ton wheat train and was dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being slammed into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help. The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600-meter long train at a level crossing. (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10-meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
Miami, FL: Motorist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the police stopped his car. Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her boyfriend's 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday she was vomiting when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36, kept driving. Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several miles later - its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was sick. "Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had killed her."
Renton, WA: On February 3, 1990, a Seattle area man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice:
Minneapolis, MN: Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver.
Moscow, Russia: A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife ... It didn't and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. Isn't it good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the awards.
Montreal, Canada: Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died.... of exposure!!!
1998 DARWIN NOMINEES
The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals,
who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.
Los Angeles, CA: Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.
Phillipsburg, NJ: An unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
Gulf Breeze, FL: Three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for one character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.
Bradford, PA: J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his yard. As a joke he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
Carbon County, PA: A group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was Wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3-foot-diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
SURELY A DARWIN AWARD WINNER
The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals,
who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.
We have many transmission lines that crisscross the state which are held up by transmission towers of different construction. Near most urban areas these are normally "metal ornamental towers" (they are supposed to be prettier than wood towers).
Sometimes we have folks who feel it would be nice to climb these towers and enjoy the night air. Most enjoy their view, stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Well this is a story of a fellow who was a little despondent over a recent fight with a girlfriend and decided he needed a little fresh air to clear his head. He proceeded to climb a tower south of Hartford next to I-91. Before he got to his tower though he decided to stop for a 6-pack to help clear his thoughts.
Here our "Darwin Award winner-to-be" sits 60 feet above the highway, drinking his beer, consoling his bruised ego. Our friend had 5 beers when he decided he needed the services of a men's room. It being such a long hike down, he unzips and decides to do his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. You don't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. On these 15,000-volt lines, depending on the conditions, you could be as far away as 6' and still get shocked.
Well, our friend proceeded to "whiz" near the conductor (wire) when the power arced to his "stream" (salt water is a most excellent conductor of electricity), followed up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
The utility company had a momentary outage on this line and sent workmen to see if there was any damage. When the guys got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.
OUCH!
Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his chest.
Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, a mechanic from Alamo, Michigan, was killed as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of the troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped up on the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone, but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer, demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper, crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hay previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun that Hay was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5 [Unknown]: Michael Anderson Godwin made news posthumously. He spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair for a murder conviction before successfully having his sentence reduced to life imprisonment. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small T.V. set, he bit a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion. A Jay County man, using a lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed when the weapon discharged in his face. Sheriff investigators said Gregory David Pryor died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home while cleaning a 40-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the powder ignited.
Nominee No. 7 [AP, St. Louis]: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently behaving in a disorderly fashion in a St. Louis market, when the clerk threatened to call the police. Pueblo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics remove the six-inch wiener from his throat after he had choked to death.
Nominee No. 8 [Unknown]: Poacher Marino Malerba shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging cliff and was killed instantly when the dead stag fell on him.
Nominee No. 9 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]: Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said. JerryStromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party.
Nominee No. 10 [UPI, Portland, Oregon]: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man, shot through the skull by a hunting arrow, is lucky to be alive and will be released soon. Tony Roberts,25, lost his right eye during an initiation into Mountain Men Anonymous, a men's rafting club in Grant's Pass Oregon. A member tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye instead. Doctors said that if the arrow had gone one millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been severed and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. John Delashaw said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of Roberts' skull, yet somehow, it manage to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Roberts had tried to pull the arrow out, he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Roberts said, "I feel so dumb about this."
Nominee No. 11 [The Calgary Sun (CP)]: A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during a shouting match, but when he stuffed it back into his pants, the gun went off.
Nominee No. 12 [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were seriously injured when their pick- up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, from Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-digging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, and Wallis noticed that a .22caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights began to operate and the two men proceeded eastbound toward White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Pool in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to pair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on the bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is the first for me," said the reporting officer, Dovey Snyder. "I can't believe those two would admit to how this accident happened". Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
Unfortunately, there was a 30-ft drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by the shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts and free himself from the tree. Finally free, Pernicky crashed into some holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse (?!?) on landing, his knife penetrated his thigh three inches. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the truck and slowly driving away. Howver, in his drunken state/haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found Pernicky under it, half naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Idiots & Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the
person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is
Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said
that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook
for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbors call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.
Idiots & Computers
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large
bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Idiots Are Easy to Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day
would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots in Food Service
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
An Idiot's Idiot
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander
on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
Idiots at the Airport
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was
without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiots on the Streets
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when
the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Idiots in Management
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to
"downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch
like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other
like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
More Idiots at Work
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the
life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiots in Cars
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were
told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was
open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young
man. "I already got that side."
With a Little Help from Our Friends
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up ...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnaped a motorist and forced him to drive
to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts...
And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary
school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that
the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy ... not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy ...
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000
home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly-installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke
in and stole my new security system..."
The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash
drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a
9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray
to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to
learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker
power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000
a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the
would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the
splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to
oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel
at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men
running this scam made off with over $6,000,000.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree
for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he
said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to
mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed
the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion
taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody ...
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you
idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual
leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence...
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how
hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand-new 22-foot boat going. It was very
sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about
an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything
in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down,
and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped
in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ... under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.
MORE DOLTS
Louisiana:
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the
clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the
$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
ehe would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window
was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk
called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car
and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from."
Seattle:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got
much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up
next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Ann Arbor:
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti
Michigan at 1:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine
to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine
though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached
to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Newark:
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.
The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he
had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the
thief was arrested.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE SURVIVE
