TAIPEI - Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.
The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.
Residents and shop owners wore masks while trying to clean up the spilt
blood and entrails. "What a stinking mess. This blood and other stuff
that blew out on the road is disgusting, and the smell is really awful,"
a BBC News report quoted one Tainan resident as saying.
The sperm whale was being carried by truck through Tainan. It had died on January 17 after it beached itself on the southwestern coast of the island.
Researchers at the National Cheng Kung University in Tainan said enough of the whale remained to allow for an examination by marine biologists. Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.
"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported.
BEWARE THE BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER!
What kind of damage can this spider do?
Here is a bite after 3 days ...
Here is the bite after 4 days ...
After 5 days ...
6 days ...
After day 9 ...
And day 10???
COMPETITIVE ADVERTISING
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion,
and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will
stuff your Stiff."
Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."
| On an Electrician's truck: | "Let us remove your shorts." |
| Outside a Radiator Repair Shop | "Best place in town to take a leak." |
| In a Non-smoking area | "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." |
| On Maternity Room door | "Push, Push, Push." |
| At an Optometrist's Office | "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." |
| On a Taxidermist's window | "We really know our stuff." |
| In a Podiatrist's window | "Time wounds all heels." |
| On a Butcher's window | "Let me meat your needs." |
| On another Butcher's window | "Pleased to meat you." |
| At a Used Car Lot | "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." |
| On a fence | "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." |
| At a Car Dealership | "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." |
| Outside a Muffler Shop | "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." |
| Outside a Hotel | "Help! We need inn-experienced people." |
| At an Auto Body Shop | "May we have the next dents?" |
| In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium | "Drop your pants here." |
| On a desk in a Reception Room | "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." |
| In a Veterinarian's waiting room | "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" |
| On a Music Teacher's door | "Out Chopin." |
| At the Electric Company | "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." |
| In a Beauty Shop | "Dye now!" |
| On the side of a Garbage Truck | "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.) |
| On the door of a Computer Store | "Out for a quick byte." |
| In a Restaurant window | "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." |
| Inside a Bowling Alley | "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." |
| In a Cafeteria | "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." |
| On the door of a Music Library | "Bach in a minuet." |
| In the front yard of a Funeral Home | "Drive carefully, we'll wait. |
| Veterinarian's Office sign | "All unattended children will be given a free kitten" |
| Plumber's Shop | "We repair what your husband fixed." |
| Pizza Shop slogan | "7 days without pizza makes one weak." |
| At a tire shop in Milwaukee | "Invite us to your next blowout." |
| Door of a Plastic Surgeon's Office | "Let us help pick your nose." |
| Sign at the Psychic's Hotline | "Don't call us, we'll call you." |
| At a Towing Company | "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." |
| On an Electrician's Business | "Let us remove your shorts." |
| In a Veterinarian's Office | "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" |
| In a Nonsmoking Area | "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." |
| On Maternity Room Door | "Push, Push, Push." |
| At an Optometrist's Office | "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place." |
| On a Taxidermist's window | "We really know our stuff." |
| In a Podiatrist's Office | "Time wounds all heels." |
| On a fence | "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive." |
| Outside a Muffler Shop | "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming." |
| In the front yard of a Funeral Home | "Drive carefully, we'll wait." |
| Lot outside Veterinarian's Office | "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be neutered." |
SQUAT CAREFULLY
Read the story before scrolling down to the picture
below ...
This rather shocking photo was snapped in November 16th by a spectator at the collegiate power lifting championships at Penn State University The unfortunate competitor, who expressed a plea to remain anonymous, recounted to surgeons that he was "stuck" at the bottom of a personal best attempt in the squat lift when he "sort of pulled his stomach in and pushed extra hard, at the same time as trying to complete the lift." He remembers a loud popping, splattering noise then a fierce stabbing pain and then not being able to move from the squat position. He remained in this position for about half an hour, since trying to stand caused him overwhelming agonizing pain.
Paramedics arrived and applied anesthesia on the spot and carried him to an ambulance. He was rushed to surgery, where surgeons described the trauma as an "explosive and aggravated prolapse of the bowel". Meanwhile it was revealed that the weight was removed from his shoulders at the time of the incident by two "spotters" on either side of the lifter. The third spotter who was standing behind the lifter was unfortunately sprayed with fecal matter at the time of the incident. This spotter promptly fainted when he realized the extent of of the injury to the lifter, who was a personal friend. This compounded the task of first aid officers who were at a loss as to how to treat the injury to the lifter in any case, who remained in the squatting position moaning in pain much to the consternation of the helpless audience.
The hapless lifter had successful surgery to relieve the prolapse, but remained immobilized with his feet elevated in stirrups for 2 weeks to ensure "internal compliance with the surgery and that the organs retracted successfully". To add insult to injury, the ex-lifter required rectal stitching to partially occlude the anal orifice and stitch the rectal passage (which had significantly expanded and was torn during the prolapse) and also was put on a low fiber low residue diet to combat flatulence to avoid any possibility of a recurrence.
CBS news spoke to his wife and asked if she thought he would resume his power lifting career. "Not if I have anything to say about it. Would you like to risk something like that again?S"
MORE STRANGE LAWS ... ABOUT SEX
HEALTH INSURANCE CLAIMS
S.C. Anderson
P.O. Box 4321
Minnetonka, MN 98765
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
P.O. Box 6789
New York, NY 12345
Dear Sir,
I'm writing in response to your request for additional information. In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient.
I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went to to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks.
You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.
Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained consciousness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked.
I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs.
I hope I furnished the information that you need to complete the processing of my claim and that you understand how the accident occurred by trying to do the job alone.
Sincerely,
S. Anderson
S.C. Anderson
P.O. Box 4321
Minnetonka, MN 98765
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
P.O. Box 6789
New York, NY 12345
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put ``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
S. Anderson
THE PRINCESS OF AMEN-RA
Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to explain......
The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the Nile. In the late 1890s, 4 rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess of Amen-Ra. They drew lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards the desert. He never returned. The next day, one of the remaining 3 men was shot by an Egyptian servant accidentally. His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated. The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street.
Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way), where it was bought by a London businessman. After 3 of his family members had been injured in a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British Museum. As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the casket was being lifted up the stairs by 2 workmen, 1 fell and broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect health, died unaccountably two days later.
Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room, trouble really started. Museum's night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the coffin. Other exhibits in the room were also often hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty; causing the other watchmen to quit. Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too. When a visitor derisively flicked a dustcloth at the face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles soon afterwards. Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried down to the basement. Figuring it could not do any harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead at his desk.
By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying, human face. The photographer was said to have gone home then, locked his bedroom door and shot himself. Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private collector. After continual misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A well-known authority on the occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises. Upon entry, she was seized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of incredible intensity". She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case. "Can you exorcize this evil spirit?" asked the owner. "There is no such thing as exorcism. Evil remains evil forever. Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible." But no British museum would take the mummy. The fact that almost 20 people had met with misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket, in barely 10 years, was now well-known.
Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks of circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New York. In Apr 1912, the new owner escorted his treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star liner about to make its maiden voyage to New York. On the night of April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of the ship was Titanic.
IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU SAY IT
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee
of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g., "I have a
customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid
you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys, who needs assistance."
JUDGEMENTS ~ A TRUE STORY
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare
suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment
into the president's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such
backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve
to be in Cambridge.
She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. The secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus". The president wasn't touched, he was shocked.
"Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery".
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly, "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building? Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.
Then the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
GENUINE EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY
ANOTHER BAD DAY STORY ...
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper ...
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day...
BAD DAY SOLUTION
For all of you who occasionally [occasionally being the key word here] have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd scream, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office at NYNEX and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.]
This old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call.
Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you ever want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter; let me know, I taped it off the evening news.
DEAR ABBY
These are ACTUAL letters to, and some answers from, Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Curious
Dear Abby,
I have a man I just can't trust. He cheats so much on me I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Unsure Mommy
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Sober and Confused
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated women who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby,
When you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
Carol
Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Abby
Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
Abby
Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
Annie
Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Abby
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
Abby
Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Rose
Dear Rose,
So would I.
Abby
Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess
Dear Bess,
Night and Day.
Abby
WARM FEELINGS
The following letter was sent to us by someone who teaches at a junior high
school in Memphis, Tennessee. the letter was sent to the principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a
credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling
that it leaves you with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I
won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own
radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or sweetly I asked.
The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was
very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
NOW, I'M THE DAD!!!
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-natured murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, buy you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing my car's oil?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too ... there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate ... ink washes off ... and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having on of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
DESERVING AWARDS
The following is from the British Sunday Express, which gives "Gongs" for dubious distinctions:
Tortoise Trophy
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the inter-City express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion
John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Crimewatch Cup
Henry Smith, who was arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court, "My client is not a very bright young man".
Silver Star
Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming, "Call me back" and left his phone number.
Bronze Star
Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
British Cup
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90-minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathered around her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
Silver Bullet
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
WHAT A WAY TO GO ...
Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not vouching for their authenticity, only their humor.
JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
POOR SUCKER
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST
In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushequa, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN'T PAY
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
MATE MATCH
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners. This particular day (12/9/98) it got interesting:
| DJ: | Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"? |
| Contestant: | (laughing) Yes, I do. |
| DJ: | What is your name? First only please. |
| Contestant: | Brian. |
| DJ: | Are you married or what Brian? |
| Brian: | Yes. |
| DJ: | Yes? Does this mean you're married, or what, Brian? |
| Brian: | (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married. |
| DJ: | Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please. |
| Brian: | Sara. |
| DJ: | Is Sara at work Brian? |
| Brian: | She is gonna kill me. |
| DJ: | Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? |
| Brian: | (laughing) Yes, she is. |
| DJ: | All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? |
| Brian: | She is gonna kill me. |
| DJ: | Brian! Stay with me here man. |
| Brian: | About 8 o'clock this morning. |
| DJ: | Atta boy. |
| Brian: | (laughing sheepishly) Well. |
| DJ: | Number 2: How long did it last? |
| Brian: | About 10 minutes. |
| DJ: | Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever had said that if there weren't a trip at stake. |
| Brian: | Yeah, it would be really nice. |
| DJ: | OK. Final question. Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? |
| Brian: | (laughing hard) I, ummmmmm |
| DJ: | This sounds good Brian. Where was it? |
| Brian: | Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. |
| DJ: | Oooooh, sneaky boy! |
| Brian: | On the kitchen table. |
| DJ: | "Not that great?" That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. |
| (Advertisements) | |
| DJ: | (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? |
| (Touch tones ringing) | |
| Clerk: | Kinko's. |
| DJ: | Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? |
| Clerk: | This is she. |
| DJ: | Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now. |
| Sara: | (laughing) A couple of hours? |
| DJ: | Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose sooooooo, do you know the rules of Mate Match? |
| Sara: | No. |
| DJ: | Good. |
| Brian: | (laughing) |
| Sara: | (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? |
| Brian: | (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? |
| Sara: | Oh, Brian! |
| DJ: | Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? Sara! Get it ...... Orlando Magic, they are on strike, Sara.....helloooooo, anyone home?!?! |
| Sara: | (laughing hard) Yes, yes. |
| Brian: | (laughing) |
| DJ: | All right. When did you have sex last, Sara? |
| Sara: | Oh God, Brian...this morning, before Brian went to work. |
| DJ: | What time? |
| Sara: | About eight o'clock I think. |
| (Sound effect) DING DING DING | |
| DJ: | Very good. Next question, how long did it last? |
| Sara: | 12 to 15 minutes maybe. |
| DJ: | Hhhmmmm ... that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying not to harm his manhood. Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it? |
| Sara: | Oh my God, Brian! You did not tell them, did you?!?! |
| Brian: | Just tell him, honey. |
| DJ: | What is bothering you so much, Sara? |
| Sara: | She saw? |
| Sara: | Brian?!?! |
| Brian: | No, no, I didn't - |
| DJ: | Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer please? |
| Sara: | Dear Lord....I cannot believe you told them this. |
| Brian: | Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida. |
| DJ: | Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? |
| Sara: | In the ass. |
| (Long pause) | |
| DJ: | We will be right back. |
| (Advertisements) | |
| DJ: | I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida! |
EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
In Melbourne, FL, one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people
to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My ... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
The top three winners of a "Most Embarrassing Moments Contest" in New Woman Magazine:
FROM JAY LENO'S "TONIGHT SHOW"
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner told about her first date experience.
She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had never met before. The date went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were going along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still about an hour more back to civilization. He said she should try to hold it, and she did ... for a while. It finally came to the point where she told him that he could either stop and let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she went out beside the car and pulled her pants down and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was a real gentleman and looked the other way.
When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm butt had stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized that she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could to get released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and finally cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face, she said she was freezing her butt off!
She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst of the story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater and covered herself as good as she could and asked him to come around to see if he could help. After the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation. They had a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm to melt her butt off of the fender. Thinking about the pee that she just sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is about the only thing that they had that could get her free.
Well, after exploring every other possible solution, she looked the other way, and so did he, and proceeded unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. The rest of the trip home there wasn't much conversation. True story.
THE TRUE STORIES ARE ALWAYS THE WEIRDEST!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, the president, Dr. Don Harper
Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The descendant had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.
A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt
GREAT QUOTES
"Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"If you've seen one redwood tree, you've seen them all."
Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people that make them unsafe."
Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
Andrew Mathis
"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."
Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Former French President Charles de Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
A congressional candidate in Texas
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
Everett Dirksen
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
John Wayne
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS
DENIED BY THE SMITHSONIAN
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nut case in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway ... here is the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "A93211-D, Layer Seven, Next to the Clothesline Post, Hominid Skull" We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be a Malibu Barbie.
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen that might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus Spiff-Arino". Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work that you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that your Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to the nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator, Antiquities
NOTE TO THE IRS
Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIE RECIPE
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas and decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, could you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two-fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab.
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." That's outrageous! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statutes that govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't care, and we're not refunding your money." I said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off and refused to make any correction of this error!"
So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this recipe!
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. club soda
2 cups sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal
24 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.
4TH OF JULY THOUGHTS: WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
What kind of men were they?
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year, he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later, he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.
Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more.
Standing straight and unwavering, they pledged, "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor." They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July Holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember: Freedom is never free! It's time we get the word out that patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics, and baseball games.
MARITAL BLISSFUL REVENGE
For anyone who feels they're invited to too many weddings lately, have a laugh. This actually IS true! It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University:
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex ... with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---you!" He turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM THE FAMILY FEUD
| Name something a blind person might use | A sword |
| Name a song with moon in the title | Blue suede moon |
| Name a bird with a long neck | Naomi Campbell |
| Name an occupation where you need a torch | A burglar |
| Name a famous brother & sister | Bonnie & Clyde |
| Name a dangerous race | The Arabs |
| Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers | A horse |
| Name something that floats in the bath | Water |
| Name something you wear on the beach | A deckchair |
| Name something Red | My cardigan |
| Name a famous cowboy | Buck Rogers |
| Name a famous royal | |
| A number you have to memorize | 7 |
| Something you do before going to bed | Sleep |
| Something you put on walls | Roofs |
| Something in the garden that's green | Shed |
| Something that flies that doesn't have an engine | A bicycle with wings |
| Something you might be allergic to | Skiing |
| Name a famous bridge | The bridge over troubled waters |
| Something a cat does | Goes to the toilet |
| Something you do in the bathroom | Decorate |
| Name an animal you might see at the zoo | A dog |
| Something associated with the police | Pigs |
| A sign of the zodiac | April |
| Something slippery | A conman |
| A kind of ache | Filet 'O' Fish |
| A food that can be brown or white | Potato |
| A jacket potato topping | Jam |
| A famous Scotsman | Jock |
| Another famous Scotsman | Vinnie Jones |
| Something with a hole in it | Window |
| A non-living object with legs | Plant |
| A domestic animal | Leopard |
| A part of the body beginning with 'N' | Knee |
| A way of cooking fish | Cod |
| Something you open other than a door | Your Bowels |
BILL GATES
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
| Rule 1: | Life is not fair-get used to it. |
| Rule 2: | The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. |
| Rule 3: | You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both. |
| Rule 4: | If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. |
| Rule 5: | Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity. |
| Rule 6: | If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. |
| Rule 7: | Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. |
| Rule 8: | Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. |
| Rule 9: | Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. |
| Rule 10: | Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. |
| Rule 11: | Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. |
HIGHWAY 20
I was on Highway 20 out of Montreal driving toward Quebec city and I decided to stop
at a rest stop to use the men's room. The first stall was occupied so I went in the
second. I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying,
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly, "Not bad!"
And the other guy says, "So what's up with you?" What a question! At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "I'm like you, just travelling east!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
OK, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
BAD ASS GRANNY
July 29, 2002 MELBOURNE, Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be, "Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God." Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. Thomas didn't lose his manhood, but the doctors said he won't be using it the way he used to, according to Detective Delp. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.
The Rambo Granny swung into action June 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker.
"And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place until she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.
"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them." the oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison. Detective Delp said. Especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.
FLORIDA NEWS
Florida Utility crews working on a runway extension for the Orlando airport made a major
discovery last week ... an alligator and a few snakes.
The gator is/was 18' 2" long. The rattlesnake roundup total = 87 snakes. No utility workers were injured, but one man did have to leave work for the day, and all his co-workers were glad to see him leave. The smell was absolutely awful and the Utility Company is buying him new clothes.
We understand the clothes he was wearing had to be stuffed in a plastic garbage bag and thrown away. Who was he you ask? The man who discovered the rattlesnakes of course!
ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS
Actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch.
Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Free Puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd 85 lbs. neutered, speaks German, free.
Found: dirty white dog, looks like a rat ... been out awhile ... better be a reward.
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer.
Snow blower for sale ... only used on snowy days.
Cows, calves never bred ... also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nordic Trac $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Nice parachute: never opened - used once.
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
F-14 TOMCAT
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly for Sports Illustrated. He
details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14
Tomcat ... very amusing.
Now this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity ... move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot -- but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. "What is it?" I asked.
"Two Bags."
HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO GO?
It's made entirely of one-way glass! No one can see you from the outside, but
when you're inside, it's like sitting in a clear glass box!
Would YOU ... or COULD you use this POTTY?
Or how about this?
CHARITY?
Marsha J. Evans, President and CEO of the American Red Cross had a salary for year
ending 06/30/03 of $651,957 plus expenses.
Brian Gallagher, President of the United Way receives a $375,000 base salary, plus numerous expense benefits.
The Salvation Army's Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization.
Think about this, the next time you prepare to open your pockets to support another natural disaster. No further comment necessary.
