Valentine's Day

My love for you...
It came and went.
So your feet are now
In wet cement.
I'm here to fulfill
Your fondest wishes...
Now that your husband
Sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me.
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
Wit' Jimmy Hoffa
I picked up this card
From a slim selection.
But that's all they offer
In witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
I've waited so long
For you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead,
Be my Valentine
Cinderella got her man
With a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
Or I'll have to whack your ass
Violets are blue,
Roses are red
I blew up your car
So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
Be my Valentine ...
and we can do it execution-style.
Hey.
Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
Dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.

and the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...

"Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed."
"I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother."
"Roses are red, violets are blue ...
sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty ...
and so is your head."
"Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face."
"Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not."
"I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face."
"I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!"
"My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life."
"I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming."
"My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way."
"What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime"

The Washington Post asked readers to come up with inept romantic sentiments for Valentine's Day:

Your kisses are sweeter than wine, but without the paper bag.
I am irrationally exuberant for you in the third quarter of my fiscal life, with rising indicators.
My love for you runs hotter than a '74 Nova with a V-8 engine and a busted water pump.
Size doesn't really matter, honey. Obviously.
You're really somethin', and that ain't just the beer talking.
Darling, you make me as hot as those hand dryers in a turnpike restroom.
If we were cockroaches, I'd want to have all 456,938 of your children.