Point-Counterpoint

Why Nagging Doesn't Work Quote of the Day Politically Correct Take a Look in the Mirror The Differences Between Men and Women Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Male and Female Stages of Life It's All in the Interpretation Translating Women's and Men's English Real Meanings Behind Those Personal Ads Your Computer ... Male or Female? Brothas and Sistas He Said, She Said I'm Glad I'm a Man / Woman Geography

WHY NAGGING DOESN'T WORK

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

• He does not have a beer gut, he has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
• He is not quiet, he is a conversational minimalist.
• He is not stupid, he suffers from minimal cranial development.
• He does not get lost all the time, he discovers alternative destinations.
• He is not balding, he is in follicle regression.
• He is not a cradle robber, he prefers generationally differential relationships.
• He does not get falling-down drunk, he becomes accidentally horizontal.
• He does not have his head up his ass, he suffers from rectal-cranial inversion.
• He is not short, he is anatomically compact.
• He does not have a rich daddy, he is a recipient of parental asset infusion.
• He does not constantly talk about cars, he has a vehicular addiction.
• He does not have a hot body, he is physically combustible.
• He is not unsophisticated, he is socially challenged.
• He does not eat like a pig, he suffers from reverse bulimia.
• He is not a bad dancer, he is overly Caucasian.
• He is not a sex machine, he is romantically automated.
• He does not hog the blankets, he is thermally unappreciative.
• He is not a male chauvinist pig, he has swine empathy.
• He does not undress you with his eyes, he has an introspective pornographic moment.
• He is not afraid of commitment, he is monogamously challenged.

How to Talk About Women and Still Be Politically Correct

• She is not a babe or a chick, she is a breasted American. (substitute country if necessary)
• She is not a screamer or moaner, she is vocally appreciative.
• She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible.
• She does not tease or flirt, she engages in artificial stimulation.
• She is not dumb, she is a detour from the information superhighway.
• She has not been around, she is a previously enjoyed companion.
• She is not kinky, she is a creative caregiver.
• She is not an airhead, she is reality impaired.
• She does not get drunk or tipsy, she gets chemically inconvenienced.
• She is not horny, she is sexually focused.
• She does not have breast implants, she is medically enhanced.
• She does not nag you, she becomes verbally repetitive
• She is not a slut, she is sexually extroverted.
• She does not have major league hooters, she is pectorally superior.
• She is not a two bit whore, she is a low cost provider.

EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two students, Rebecca and Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with nothing to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conence table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
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Asshole.
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Bitch.

Age	Men's Best Seduction Line	Women's Best Excuse for Refusing Dates
17	My parents are away for the weekend ...	Need to wash my hair ...
25	My girlfriend is away for the weekend ...	Need to wash and condition my hair ...
35	My fiancé is away for the weekend ...	Need to color my hair ...
48	My wife is away for the weekend ...	Need to have Francois color my hair ...
66	My second wife is dead napping ...	Need to have Francois color my wig ...

Age	Men's Favorite Sport	Women's Favorite Sport
17	Sex	Shopping
25	Sex	Shopping
35	Sex	Shopping
48	Sex	Shopping
66	Napping	Shopping

Age	Men's Ideal Age to Get Married	Women's Ideal Age to Get Married
17	25	17
25	35	25
35	48	35
48	66	48
66	17	66

Age	Men's Definition of a Successful Date	Women's Definition of a Successful Date
17	"Tongue"	"Burger King"
25	"Breakfast"	"A free meal!"
35	"She didn't set back my therapy!"	"A diamond!"
48	"I didn't have to meet her kids!"	"A BIG diamond!"
66	"I got home alive!"	"Home Alone"

Age	Men's Favorite Fantasy	Women's Favorite Fantasy
17	Getting to third base	Tall dark and handsome
25	Airplane sex	Tall dark and handsome with money
35	Menage a trois	Tall dark and handsome
48	Taking the company public	Tall dark and handsome with money and brains
66	Swiss maid / Nazi love slave	A man with hair

Age	Men's Most Likely House Pet	Women's Most Likely House Pet
17	Roaches	Muffy the cat
25	Stoned-out college roommate	Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy
35	Irish Setter	Irish Setter and Muffy
48	Children from first marriage	Children from first marraige and Muffy
66	Barbie	Retired taxidermist husband who stuffs Muffy

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female:	Any part under a car's hood.
Male:	The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.

Female:	The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male:	What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female:	Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
Male:	Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female:	The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male:	Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.

Female:	The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male:	The organ of mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female:	A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male:	Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female:	A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male:	Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female:	An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male:	An endless source of entrainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female:	The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male:	What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female:	A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male:	A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.

Female:	Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male:	Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

When a man says ...	He really means ...
I'm hungry	I'm hungry
I'm sleepy	I'm sleepy
I'm tired	I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie?	I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner?	I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime?	I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance?	I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress!	Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage	I want to fondle you.
What's wrong?	What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong?	I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored	Do you want to have sex ?
I love you	Let's have sex now!
I love you, too	Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair	I liked it better before
Let's talk	I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me?	I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others

40-ish	48
Adventurer	Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic	Flat-chested
Average-looking	Ugly
Beautiful	Pathological Liar
Contagious Smile	Bring your penicillin
Educated	College drop-out
Emotionally Secure	Medicated
Free Spirit	Substance user
Friendship First	Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun	Annoying
Gentle	Comatose
Good Listener	Borderline Autistic
New Age	All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned	Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded	Desperate
Outgoing	Loud
Poet	Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional	Bitch
Redhead	Shops the Clairol section
Romantic	Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous	Fat
Weight proportioned to height	Very Fat
Wants soulmate	One step away from stalker
Widow	Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart	Toothless Crone

Now the Men

40-ish	52, looking for a 25-year-old
Athletic	Sits on couch and watches ESPN
Average looking	Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated	Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit	Sleeps with your sister
Friendship First	As long as the friendship contains nudity
Fun	Good with a remote and a six-pack
Good-Looking	Arrogant
Honest	Pathological Liar
Huggable	Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to Cuddle	Insecure, overly dependent
Mature	Until you get to know him
Open-minded	Wants to sleep with your sister
Physically Fit	Spends a lot of time admiring self in front of mirror
Poet	Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual	Once went to church with grandmother
Stable	Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful	Says "please" when demanding a beer

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine because:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

1. "I think I just need some space" (....I've sexed you down now it's time to bounce)
2. "Baby I'm gonna kick it with the fellas today" (...I need to go see my other girlfriend cause you're trippin')
3. "Hey Boo" (...Damn, what is her name?)
4. "Girl, you know you can invite your friends over here anytime" (...I need to scope them out in case we don't work out)
5. "Hey baby girl" (...Damn, what is her name...hey man...what is her name? Damn!)
6. "Girl I'm gonna make you scream my name tonight" (...She better not laugh when I undress)
7. "I don't have a girlfriend right now, do you have a man?" (...I'm tryin' to get all I can, do I have competition?)
8. "I just wanna chill tonight" (...I'm broke this week, let's order pizza and go to Blockbuster)
9. "My shower is broken, can I come over and use yours?" (...Maybe I'll get a chance to show her my six pack)
10. "We can still be friends?" (...Can you say, "Knocking boots without being attached"?)

The Top Ten Deceptive Things That Sistas Say! (...and what they really mean)

1. "I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I'm into my career." (Damn, I know you're a good catch. But, I wanna hit Tony off for a couple more months.)
2. "I'm looking for a man that's financially secure." (I'm in debt right now from supporting Cleotis' dumb ass. Can you bail me out?)
3. "You're such a nice guy, why can't we just be friends?" (I'm still beggin' this other brotha to take me back, Can I keep you on hold, just in case?)
4. "I'm looking for a man that absolutely loves kids ..." ('Cause I've got five of them... by five different triflin' ass men.)
5. "Do you think I've gained too much weight? Do you still find me attractive?" (Damn, I thought you woulda dumped my ass since I let myself go like this!)
6. "Our relationship is going so well, let's not spoil it with sex." (I gave it up to the last six brothas I met on the first date, ...and you're going to have to wait till next week.)
7. "Our relationship is going so well, sex will only enhance it. So let's take it to the next level." (I just found out that I am late {with Leroy's baby} and you have a job....)
   BONUS: I'm not into anal sex, how would you like if I stuck a cucumber in you!!!! (Is it written on my face? I wonder if he knows that I did that with Shaquil already, well he's gonna have to wait...till the weekend for that shit, I ain't no hoe)
8. In Bed: "No way I'm trying that... I ain't a damn freak!" (I used to do that all the time with Leroy... He didn't appreciate it.)
9. In Bed: "Do you think our sex life is exciting?" (Damn man, let's try some kinky stuff, like when I was with Leroy. I'm a damn freak now!!)
10. In Bed: "Let's try something new, anything ... I wanna be your freak!!" (Come on, let's get married.)

HER Story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just want to leave. I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

HIS Story:
Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.

GEOGRAPHY

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa ... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America ... well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India ... very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France ... gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia ... lost the war and haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia ... very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia ... with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan ... most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq ... ruled by a dick.