Women Can Laugh at the Men

Pick-Up Line Defenses Erogenous Zones Seminars for Men Given by Women While You're At It ... Top 10 Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Man How Dogs and Men Are the Same The Points System Men Are Like ... Why Is the Head Larger than the Shaft? Why Girls Rule A Woman's Little Book of Instructions Brains Dictionary for Women Guy Definitions Words Women Use Top Nine Reasons Men Think They Are Useful Top Signs She Is Getting Bored Having Sex with You What I Want in a Man If Men Got Pregnant This Just In ... How to Impress ... Process of Elimination Why Women Live Longer Than Men A Woman's Perfect Breakfast Listening vs. Hearing

PICK-UP LINE DEFENSES

Man:	"But I don't know your name."
Woman:	"That's in the phone book too."

Man:	"So what do you do for a living?"
Woman:	"I'm a female impersonator."

Man:	"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman:	"Do Not Enter"

Man:	"What sign were you born under?"
Woman:	"No Parking."

Man:	"I know how to please a woman."
Woman:	"Then please leave me alone."

Man:	"I want to give myself to you."
Woman:	"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man:	"Your body is like a temple."
Woman:	"Sorry, no services today."

Man:	"Haven't we met before?"
Woman:	"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man:	"I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman:	"But would you stay there?"

Man:	"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman:	"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man:	"Is this seat empty?"
Woman:	"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man:	"So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman:	"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man:	"Your place or mine?"
Woman:	"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man:	"I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman:	"No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man:	"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:	"Unfertilized!"

Man:	"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman:	"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man:	"I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman:	"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man:	"I can tell that you want me."
Woman:	"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man:	"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman:	"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man:	"Hey cutie, how 'bout it ...you and me?"
Woman:	"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

EROGENOUS ZONES

SEMINARS FOR MEN GIVEN BY WOMEN

• Combating Stupidity
• You, Too, Can Do Housework
• PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
• How to Fill an Ice Tray
• We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
• Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
• Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
• Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
• Get a Life: Learn to Cook
• How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
• Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
• Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
• You: The Weaker Sex
• Reasons to Give Flowers
• How to Stay Awake in Public
• Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
• Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
• You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
• The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
• I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
• How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
• "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
• Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
• How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
• The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
• Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
• Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
• Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
• You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
• Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
• Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
• The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary
• Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
• Techniques of Calling Home

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT ...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog and they understand what "no" means.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

THE POINTS SYSTEM

Simple Duties:

You make the bed	+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows	0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets	-1
You leave the toilet seat up	-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty	0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex	-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom	-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings	+5
In the snow	+8
But return with beer	-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night	0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing	0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something	+5
You pummel it with a six iron	+10
It's her pet	-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party	0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy	-2
Named Tiffany	-4
Tiffany is a dancer	-6
Tiffany has implants	-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner	0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar	+1
Okay, it is a sports bar	-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night	-3

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal	-5
The pal is happily married	-4
Or frighteningly single	-7
And he drives a Mustang	-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)	-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie	+2
You take her to a movie she likes	+4
You take her to a movie you hate	+6
You take her to a movie you like	-2
It's called DeathCop 3	-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans	-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans	-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly	-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it	+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts	-30
You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too"	-800
The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding	-10
You reply, "Where?"	-35
Any other response	-20

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression	0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes	+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the clock	+100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep	-20

MEN ARE LIKE...

WHY IS THE HEAD LARGER THAN THE SHAFT?

After the US published the study, France decided to do its own study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

WHY GIRLS RULE!

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
that you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules

I don't read magazines about cars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's OK for me to cry

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't shit!!

A WOMAN'S LITTLE BOOK OF INSTRUCTIONS

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
• The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
• Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
• Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "You may be, you look familiar."

BRAINS

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

GUY DEFINITIONS

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Really means, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Really means, "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Really means, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."
Really means ... absolutely nothing! It is a conditioned response.

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Really means, "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Really means, "I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the VIN Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Really means, "The girls selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"Really means, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I"m hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Really means, "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon!"

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Really means, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Really means, "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Really means, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Really means, "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Really means, "I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Really means, "Oh, God! PLEASE don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Really means, "No one will ever see us alive again."

WORDS WOMEN USE

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing."

TOP NINE REASONS MEN THINK THEY ARE USEFUL

1. We fix things around the house ... while it is true that men do fix some things, it is only things that interrupt either beer-drinking or sports-watching.
2. Sex ... actually, there are many toys out there that do this much better and don't fall asleep halfway through (depending of course on batteries, another male invention).
3. We barbeque food to give women a break on weekends ... this is followed by not cleaning up the mess the fire department makes when they visit or the pizza boxes that feed them.
4. We provide the ability for women to have children ... which are then the sole responsibility of the woman unless they win some sporting event, then it is, "Look at MY child, isn't he/she great!"
5. We make all the money to bring home to the woman ... which is then spent on pizza (for the fire department), beer, tools (which women are not allowed to use for household things), expensive toys, and only begrudgingly on food for the kids.
6. We work so that women don't have to, can stay home and watch soap operas and play on AOL ... and take care of the kids, clean the house, fix the things that don't involve beer-drinking and/or sports watching, make food, pay the bills ... umm, can we work instead?
7. We give relaxing back massages so that women feel better after a long day of soap operas and AOL ... once, before marriage, only with reward of sex, after promising for 6 months, when guilty for doing something not yet caught for.
8. We mow the lawn and take care of the yard ... the lawn is mowed to show off the new lawnmower which cost more than the engagement ring, and the yard is cluttered with "things I really need, Dear" and other assorted car parts.
9. We take the family on vacation once a year ... a 2-day car trip with screaming kids and frazzled nerves to a sports event that can only be enjoyed after 6 or more beers and which could have been watched at home on TV.

1. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
2. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
3. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
4. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
5. Only moans during commercial breaks.
6. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
7. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
8. You are currently sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer Show.
9. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby ... Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
11. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
12. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
13. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
14. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
15. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
16. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
17. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
18. She yells out her own name.
19. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

• Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
• There would be a cure for stretch marks.
• Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
• Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
• All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
• All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
• Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
• They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
• Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.
• Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
• Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
• They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
• Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
• Women would rule the world.

THIS JUST IN . . .

HOW TO IMPRESS ...

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man ...

Show up naked.
Bring food.

PROCESS OF ELIMINATION

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

LISTENING VS. HEARING

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --- Conan O'Brien