Men Can Laugh at the Women

TOP 100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is almost always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex never causes you to worry about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $7 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, theoretically.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversary.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

• It is common courtesy that you leave the toilet seat UP when you are done.
• When he asks for a threesome, with you and your best friend, he is only joking ... unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?
• If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
• The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and tending the grill.
• Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
• Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.), should be met with roughly the same degree of praise, a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
• Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
• He heard you the first time.
• You know, you can ask him out too. Let's spread the rejection around a little.
• If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
• Of course he wants another beer.
• The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
• Dogs are good. Cats are bad.
• Any sort of injury, involving the testicles, is not funny.
• Do not question a man's innate, navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
• He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what? He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy!
• He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met, and all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
• Your (select appropriate item) butt, boobs, hair, makeup, legs look fine.
• His (fill in appropriate selections) bald spot, beer gut, thick glasses, impotency, and/or scabby rash is cute.
• As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
• If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
• It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
• Remember, that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
• Yes. Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson, and Cindy Crawford are prettier than you.
• Just like Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, and Keanu Reeves are better looking than him.
• Neither one of you are going to be dating any of these people, so love the one you're with.
• Don't hog the covers.
• Watching football is a major turn-on for you. Please wait until the half-time show to act upon that.
• He does not just want to be friends.
• A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence, "Why don't we skip the expensive dinner, and stay here, having freaky, circus sex all night?"
• Don't demand a precise time when he'll call.
• Bitching is not sexy.
• Ditto for nagging.
• If you're always right, stop asking his opinion.
• "I don't know, what do you want to do?" is not an acceptable answer to every question.
• Never bring home a cat as a surprise.
• Don't even bother touching the remote, just tell him what you want to see.
• Despite what you think, sometimes he is happier left alone.
• Believe it or not, he couldn't care less how he looks when he's drunk.
• Even if you don't love him, you should keep having sex with him, as long as you are spending his money.
• 'No' means no. 'Yes' means yes. 'Silence' means he can't get a word in edgewise.
• Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
• Two hot dogs and a beer, at a baseball game, do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
• If he sees you in the morning and at night, why call him at work?
• Unlike you, he essentially wants to dress just exactly like all his friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, or the local Patagonia store.
• Is it too much to ask, to have the bra match the underwear?
• You probably don't want to know what he is thinking about.
• Silence, does not need to be filled with discussions about 'us' and 'the relationship.'
• Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
• Things you should let him do alone: figuring out where he is when driving, playing cards, smoking cigars, and picking out the beer.
• Socks never constitute a gift.
• Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby for him to look at.
• Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
• Shopping is not fascinating.
• He doesn't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
• He did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
• Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do 'Sirens,' rather than 'Water World.'
• Curley is the bald one.
• "Compromise" does not mean that he should abandon his position in favor of yours.
• Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
• It's in neither your interest, nor his, to take the Quiz together.
• Sex on a week night is generally welcome.
• Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
• Dinner out is a pretty good Birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
• No, you can't have the remote control to the TV.
• Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Nothing says, 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
• Share the closet.
• Share the bathroom.
• No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Write the Anniversary date clearly on the calendar.
• Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to like it.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Don't make him guess.
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Anything you wear is fine. Really.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
• Don't cut your hair. Ever.
• Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
• Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
• Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.
• Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
• Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
• Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
• Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
• Check your oil.
• Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
• Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
• The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
• We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
• We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
• Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
• Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
• We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
• Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
• If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
• If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
• We never shave our legs. Get over it.
• NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us.It's just wrong.
• Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
• When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
• We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees,or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
• We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
• Just cause you think you're always right doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
• You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
• We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
• Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.
• Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say."
• Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
• Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
• Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship
• PMS is not an excuse.
• If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
• Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
• Always remember: The way to a guy's heart is through his stomach ... and maybe ... oh nevermind.
• And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

• Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
• The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
• Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Every Day
• Parties: Going Without New Outfits
• Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
• Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
• Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
• Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You ...
• Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First
• Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
• Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want - Without Nagging
• Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
• Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
• Telephone Skills: How to Stop Talking and Hang Up
• Introduction to Parking
• Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
• Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
• Water Retention: Fact or Fat
• Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
• Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
• PMS: Your Problem - Not His
• Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
• Sex - It's For Married Couples Too
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
• Ballet: For Women Only
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
• Learning to Go in Public Restrooms
• Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
• "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie
• TV Remotes: For Men Only

Driver's Education:

DE101:	Getting Past Automatic Transmission
DE102:	The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
DE103:	Approximating a Constant Speed
DE104:	Makeup and Driving, It's As Simple As Oil and Water
DE105:	How to Parallel Park
DE106:	Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

Economics:

EC101:	Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
EC102:	How to Earn Your Own Money
EC103:	How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

Home Economics:

HE101a:	Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b:	Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c:	Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d:	Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102:	Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
HE103:	Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101:	How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102:	Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
IR103:	Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104:	Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105:	Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106:	Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
IR107:	NOYB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments

Sex Education:

SE101a:	How to Say "Yes"
SE101b:	How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes"
SE102:	Sex - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103:	Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104:	Lingerie - The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105:	Sexual Alternatives for "That Time of the Month" (formerly titled "Any Old Port in a Storm")
SE106:	Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

• Elementary Map Reading
• Crying and Law Enforcement
• Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
• You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
• Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
• The Seven-Outfit Week
• PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly titled "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty, Deal With it")
• Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
• Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
• Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
• Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
• Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
• Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
• How to Earn Your Own Money
• Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
• Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
• Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
• Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self-Serve Station
• Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
• What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
• His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
• His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
• Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
• To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
• Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
• Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not usually get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog does not shop.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

1. Baseball.
2. Football.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

1. Oh yeah, shitloads.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
4. Define pretty.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is, "Buy a Corvette and a boat.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN:	Would you get married again?
MAN:	Definitely not!
WOMAN:	Why not, don't you like being married?
MAN:	Of course I do.
WOMAN:	Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN:	OK, I'd get married again.
WOMAN:	You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN:	(makes audible groan)
WOMAN:	Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN:	Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN:	Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN:	That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN:	And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN:	She can't use them; she's left-handed.

• When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs.
• In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
• In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
• I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
• I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
• After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
• Now all I want is a girl with big boobs.

• I'll swallow it all, I love the taste.
• Are you sure you have had enough to drink?
• I'm bored, let's shave my pussy.
• Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
• It was a great fart, do another one.
• I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
• You're so sexy when you are hung over.
• I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
• Let's subscribe to Hustler.
• Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
• Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out the women's asses.
• I'll be out painting the house.
• I love when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays too.
• Honey, our new neighbors daughter is sun bathing again, come see.
• I know it is a lot tighter back there, but could you please try it again.
• No, no...I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
• Your mother is way better than mine.
• Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing, and buy yourself a new set of clubs.
• I understand fully....our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it is a wonderful stress reliever.
• Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
• Christ, not the fucking mall again, let's go to that new strip joint.
• Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you get that handicap down to 7 or 8.
• You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
• God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm going to burst.
• I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

• If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
• If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
• If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
• If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
• If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, that is equal opportunity.
• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
• If you cry, you're a wimp.
• If you don't, you're an insensitive bum.
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
• If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
• If she asks you, it's a favor.
• If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
• If you don't, you're a fag.
• If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
• If you don't, you're unromantic
• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
• If you don't, you're a slob.
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
• If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
• If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
• If you don't, you're not ambitious.
• If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a damn about other people's needs.
• If she has a headache, she's tired.
• If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
• If you want it too often, you're over-sexed.
• If you don't, there must be someone else.

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID !@#$ LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGH-OUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS ... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? (ever forgetful as usual)

• I finished the Oreo's.
• Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
• Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
• I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
• Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
• Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
• Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
• Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
• I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
• Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
• Get your own ice cream.
• Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
• Got milk?
• Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
• Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
• Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
• Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
• You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky-looking.
• Same work ... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood, ALL the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."
• You don't mooch off other's desserts.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

• I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
• Nice legs...what time do they open?
• Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
• You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
• Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
• I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
• I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
• Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
• I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
• Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
• I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
• Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
• You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
• Are those real?
• You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
• I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
• If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
• (Look down at your crotch) Well it's not just going to suck itself.
• You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
• You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
• F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
• Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
• My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
• Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
• My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
• Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
• My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
• I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
• If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
• Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
• Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
• Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
• Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
• I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
• (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

"Fine"

"Five minutes"

"Nothing"

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)

"Loud Sigh"

"Oh"

"That's Okay"

THE DISCOVERIES OF MEN AND WOMEN

WOULD YOU STOP THIS CAR?

---

FLOWER?