The World's Oldest Remote Control
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The Perfect Dress
The World's Oldest Remote Control
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Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me? Sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
How about the man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got a girlfriend.
I married "Miss Right". I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --- Robin Williams
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --- Lewis Grizzard
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --- Oscar Wilde
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six'?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, 'Father of Four'!"
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door.
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
| Before | After |
| You take my breath away | I feel like I'm suffocating |
| Twice a night | Twice a month |
| She loves the way I take control of a situation | She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac |
| Lucy and Ricky | Fred and Ethel |
| Saturday Night Fever | Monday Night Football |
| Don't stop | Don't start |
| Is that all you're having? | Maybe you should have just a salad, honey |
| It's like I'm living in a dream | It's like living in a dorm |
| $60/doz | $1.50/stem |
| Turbo charged | Jump start |
| We agree on everything | Doesn't she have a mind of her own? |
| Victoria's Secret | Fruit of the Loom |
| Charming and Noble | Chernobyl meltdown |
| Feathers and handcuffs ... let's go see the JP | Ball and chain ... I want to see the warden |
| Idol | Idle |
| I love a woman with curves | I never said you were fat, lard butt |
| He's completely lost without me | Why won't he ever ask for directions? |
| Time stood still | This relationship is going nowhere |
| Croissant and cappuccino | Bagel, instant and Bromo |
| You look so seductive In a black teddie | Your clothes are so depressing |
| Oysters | Fishsticks |
| I can hardly believe we found each other | I can't believe I ended up with someone like you |
| Passion | Ration |
| Once upon a time | The end |
BETTY CROCHET
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the
top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her
about it.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst into tears. He asked where did the money come from, "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
A Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man,
Love to forgive him,
And Patience for his moods,
Because Lord if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Amen