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Women Can Laugh at Men
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Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop to ask directions.
Q: Why did God put man on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Why do men get married?
A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
A: So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!
Q: What's the definition of a bastard?
A: A man who screws you all night with a 2 inch penis, then kisses you goodnight with a 12-inch tongue.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why don't men wear tight underwear?
A: It cuts off circulation to the brain!
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: All the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of shit.
Q: Why are men like pantyhose?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why are men like floor tiles?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They are usually intended for the children, but the men usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind 2. No business
Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook - they eat; we clean - they dirty ; we iron - they wrinkle.
Q: What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his trapezius with a sharp knife.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: When would you want a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
Q: What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: The one with the dirty knees.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
Q: How are fat women and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you.
Q: Why did God create woman?
A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q: How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A: Phone her.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. (It's true!)
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.