Life, from a Female Perspective

1943 Job Standards and Rules for Hiring Women

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Swimsuits

T-Shirts for Women Who Take No Crap

One-Liners by Famous Women

I Wanna Be a Bear

Punctuation

Why Women Lie

5 Stages of a Woman's Life

Every Woman Should ...

A Woman's Look in the Mirror

Beauty of a Woman

Images of a Mother

What Women Want

If Women Ruled the World ...

Mammograms

More on Mammograms

A Mammogram Gone Bad

Women's Bumper Stickers

Women: Beware of the Bodysnatchers!!

1943 JOB STANDARDS AND RULES FOR HIRING WOMEN

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II -a mere 57 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, these are hilarious.

Twelve Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

  1. There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
  2. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
  3. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
  4. General experience indicates that "husky" girls-those who are just a little on the heavy side-are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
  5. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination-one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
  6. Stress at the outset the importance of time-the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
  7. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
  8. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
  9. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
  10. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman-it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
  11. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
  12. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

SWIMSUITS

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a damn good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble.

The mature woman has a choice -- she can either show up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror -- my bosom had disappeared.

Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersize cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh, there YOU are!" she said, admiring the suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a napkin ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a costume that fitted. A two piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home I read the label which said 'Material may become transparent in water," but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand.

BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

  1. We got off the Titanic first. (Except for the stupid bitch in the movie, who was the reason for the death of the love of her life, she used the only board floating that was available, he was left floating trying to save her life)
  2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
  3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
  4. We can cry and get off speeding fines. (This never worked for me, I could never cry on cue)
  5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
  6. Taxis stop for us.
  7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
  8. Free drinks, free dinners, free movies (you get the point).
  9. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
  10. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
  11. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  12. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
  13. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
  14. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  15. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  16. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  17. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
  18. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  19. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP

ONE-LINERS BY FAMOUS WOMEN

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne]

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. [Roseanne]

I think -- therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. [Gilda Radner]

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. [Margaret Thatcher]

If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary. [Margaret Atwood]

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. [Gloria Steinem]

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. [Gloria Steinem]

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. [Marie Corelli]

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? [Linda Ellerbee]

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

I WANNA BE A BEAR

In my next life I wanna be a female bear ...

  • If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
  • Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
  • If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
  • If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
  • If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

    Yup ... I wanna be a bear.

    PUNCTUATION

    An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

    5 STAGES OF A WOMAN'S LIFE

    To grow up ...

    To fill out ...

    To slim down ...

    To hold it in ...

    To hell with it!

    WHY WOMEN LIE

    One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

    The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

    Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"

    "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

    The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

    The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

    That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

    EVERY WOMAN SHOULD ...

    Every woman should have ...
    Every woman should know ...

    A WOMAN'S LOOK IN THE MIRROR

    We should all learn from this little story ...

    Age 3:Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
    Age 8:Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.
    Age 15:Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or a cheerleader. If she is PMS'ing sees fat, pimples, and ugliness ... ("Mom I can't go to school looking like this!")
    Age 20:Looks at herself and sees herself as "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly". She decides she's going anyway.
    Age 30:Looks at herself and sees herself as "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" She decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
    Age 40:Looks at herself and sees herself as "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes anyway.
    Age 50:Looks at herself and says "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
    Age 60:Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
    Age 70:Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability. Goes out and enjoys life.
    Age 80:Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

    Maybe we should all grab that purple hat a little earlier!

    THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

    The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman with passing years only grows. Remember, that we are all beautiful in the eyes of our Creator for we are all made in His image.

    IMAGES OF A MOTHER

    4 YEARS OF AGEMy Mommy can do anything!
    8 YEARS OF AGEMy Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
    12 YEARS OF AGEMy Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
    14 YEARS OF AGENaturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
    16 YEARS OF AGEMother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
    18 YEARS OF AGEThat old woman? She's way out of date.
    25 YEARS OF AGEWell, she might know a little bit about it.
    35 YEARS OF AGEBefore we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
    45 YEARS OF AGEWonder what Mom would have thought about it?
    65 YEARS OF AGEWish I could talk it over with Mom.

    WHAT WOMEN WANT

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

    Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

    Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

    And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice ...

    Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

    IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD ...

    MAMMOGRAMS

    Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. Best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

    Exercise #1
    Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

    Exercise #2
    Open the refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective.

    Exercise #3
    Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

    MORE ON MAMMOGRAMS

    For years and years they told me,
    "Be careful of your breasts.
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
    And give them monthly tests."

    So I heeded all their warnings
    and protected them by law.
    Guarded them very carefully
    And always wore a bra.

    After 40 years of careful care
    The doctor found a lump.
    He ordered up a mammogram
    To look inside that clump.

    "Stand up very close," she said,
    as she got my breast in line.
    "And tell me when it hurts," she said
    "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."

    She stepped upon a pedal,
    I could not believe my eyes!
    A plastic plate was pressing down,
    My boob was in a vise!

    My skin was stretched and stretched
    From way up by my chin.
    My poor breast was being squashed
    To Swedish Pancake thin!

    Excruciating pain I felt,
    within its viselike grip.
    A prisoner in this vicious thing,
    My poor defenseless tit.

    "Take a deep breath," she said to me.
    Who does she think she's kidding?
    My chest is smashed in her machine,
    I can't breath and weary I am getting.

    "There, that was good," I heard her say,
    as the room was swaying.
    " Now let's get the other one".
    " Lord have mercy," I was praying.

    I had no problem when I came in,
    I surely have one now.
    If there had been a cyst in there,
    It would have popped by now.

    This machine was made by man,
    Of this I have no doubt!
    I'd like to get his balls in there
    And listen to him shout !!!

    A MAMMOGRAM GONE BAD

    WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

    WOMEN: BEWARE OF THE BODYSNATCHERS!!

    Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well read on. While that was an "urban legend" this one is not. It's happening everyday.... My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?

    I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night.

    Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My buns were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new derriere (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

    It was 2 years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time.

    Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, noticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.

    During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms ... female arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public or flatten them too tightly against my body. In private, I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have tightened my real arms but did nothing for these new "Silly-Putty" caricatures. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of.

    That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raising. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs .... and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!