Work

Prison vs. Work And You Thought Your Job Sucked New Motivational Quotes The World According to Dilbert Four Habits of Highly Effective People The #1 Work-Related Injury Actual Quotes Used in Employee Performance Evaluations More Dilbert Work Excuses Administratium Office Daffynitions Information Technology vs. Management Memo: Alternative Language Important Business Study You Know You Work for the Government When ... Government Verbosity Top Ten Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk Know Your Rights How to Maintain Insanity in the Workplace Special High Intensity Training Oops! Notice to Employees Top Signs You're Bored at Work Job Descriptions Signs That It May Be Your Last Day at Work 3 Lessons Management Test The World's Best Coworkers? Management Techniques Sayings for Office Motivational Posters Things Heard Around the Office Another Virus Warning How to Improve Office Morale Everybody How to Take a Poop at Work Resumania Actual Resume Blunders Guess Who Ruined Casual Friday? Job Descriptions vs. Resumes For Teachers A Prayer Management Training Signs Your Employer Has Changed to a Cheaper Health Care Plan The Work Week

• Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
• Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
• A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
• A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
• My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
• Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
• Human Resource Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
• Quote from telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the boss' daughter finishes her summer class"

• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

FOUR HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk.

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour, That way you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

• "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

• As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
• What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
• E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
• This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
• Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
• My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
• Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
• "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
• "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
• We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
• One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
• Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the" pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia)? working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
• This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me it was time to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. ..
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
17. I prefer to remain an enigma.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete what would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass"......

• Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
• Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
• Blowing your Buffer: Losing your train of thought.
• Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
• Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
• CLM (Career-Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. (e.g. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot)
• Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
• Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
• Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
• Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
• Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
• Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
• Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOM's (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage): What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
• WOOF'S (Well-Off Older Folks): What we all hope to be one day.
• Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace copy machine.
• 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
• Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 10 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in management."

"I do," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help; and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Try saying ...	Instead of ...
Perhaps I can work late.	When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
I'm certain that is not feasible.	No fucking way!!
Really?	You've got to be shitting me.
Perhaps you should check with ...	Tell someone who gives a shit.
I wasn't involved in the project.	It's not my fucking problem.
I'm not sure I can implement this.	Fuck it, it won't work.
I'll try to schedule that.	Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
He's not familiar with the problem.	He's got his head up his ass.
Excuse me sir?	Eat shit and die.
So you weren't happy with it?	Kiss my ass.
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.	Fuck it, I'm on salary.
I don't think you understand.	Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge.	This job sucks.
You want me to take care of that?	Who the hell died and made you boss?
I see.	Blow me.
Yes, we really should discuss it.	Another fucking meeting!!!
He's somewhat insensitive.	He's a fucking prick.
She's an aggressive go-getter.	She's a ball-busting bitch.
I think you could use more training.	You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Sport of choice for maintenance level employees:	bowling
Sport of choice for front line workers:	football
Sport of choice for supervisors:	baseball
Sport of choice for middle management:	tennis
Sport of choice for corporate officers:	golf

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

YOU KNOW YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT WHEN ...

• You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and gone through three major reorganizations.
• The sign with your Office Symbol outside the door is attached with Velcro.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about that 2% pay raise.
• Your biggest loss when the LAN crashes is that you lose your best jokes.
• Free food left over from retirement luncheons is your main staple.
• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• Communication is something your "associates" are having problems with.
• You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
• Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
• Authorized sick leave is defined as "can't walk or you're in the hospital".
• You're already late on the assignment you just got.
• When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 (before tax) On-The-Spot award and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cubicle.
• Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
• Vacation is something you roll over to next year or just "lose at year end".
• Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
• The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cubicle.
• Those "special projects" are more like "drive-by assignments"
• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
• "VERA" is more than just the old crazy lady next door.
• You read this entire list, agreed with every sentence and are making the list of friends to forward it to.

GOVERNMENT VERBOSITY

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.

THE TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
8. "The coffee machine is broken..."
9. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
10. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

• Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same clothes. Wear each outfit one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
• Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
• Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
• Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
• Place a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
• Every time someone asks you to do something -- anything -- ask him or her if they want fries with that.
• Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the correspondence to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
• Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
• Insist that your e-mail address be
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think."
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Sit in your carpark at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your Manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and your Manager shall be responsible for seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously, will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our Managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to qualify for the position of D.I.P. S.H.I.T. Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of the Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Boss In General Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know what I would have done without you."

As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."

Leave of Absence for Surgery
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you areemployed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

Pregnancy
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

Death
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6. No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for Reinforcements.

An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
• As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.
• While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
• You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
• You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
• You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson #2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson #3
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Very good but I didn't bother answering any of these, I thought it was stupid - that is the first rule of being a professional, don't listen to Anderson Consulting management tripe.

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THE WORLD'S BEST COWORKERS?

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MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES

An American and a Japanese company decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels until both teams felt they were ready to demonstrate their prowess.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of additional study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

Again the big day dawned, the race began, and the Japanese team won by TWO miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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SAYINGS FOR OFFICE MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS

• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• We put the "k" in "kwality."
• If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
• Plagiarism saves time.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
• We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
• You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
• Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

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THINGS HEARD AROUND THE OFFICE

• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be....?
• Do I look like a people person?
• I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Errors have been made. Of course others will be blamed.
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Too many freaks and not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.

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ANOTHER VIRUS WARNING

There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of work, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened work have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter work via e-mail or are faced with any work at all, then to purge the virus send an e-mail to your boss with the words: 'This is too much for me. I'm going out for a while. This better not be here when I get back.'

Your brain should automatically delete the work. If you receive work in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the work to your trash can. Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life.

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HOW TO IMPROVE OFFICE MORALE

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EVERYBODY

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey

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HOW TO TAKE A POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Escapee: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak: (Used in conjunction with Escapee) When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.

Walk of Shame: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the Courtesy Flush.

Out of the Closet Pooper: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

The Pooping Friends Network (PFN): A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify Safe Havens.

Safe Havens: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo Cough: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

Astaire: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.

Uncle Ted: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

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RESUMANIA

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. These samples come to him from colleagues and other business professionals worldwide and are compiled in an effort to highlight the importance of professionally written, well-proofed job search material. Mr. Half's column on the subject appears monthly in the National Business Employment Weekly.

"I am a rabid typist."	(And a maniac with numbers, no doubt.)
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."	(If she insists ...)
"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."	(In the front office of a kennel, right?)
"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."	(Does she take requests?)
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."	(Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?)
"I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated."	(But how fast is he on his own two feet?)
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."	(Did she minor in ear piercing?)
"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is out of date."	(Okay -- next!)
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."	(Doesn't sound like the kind of experience most employers are looking for.)
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient and as loyal as a puppy."	(And no doubt housebroken by now.)
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."	(Must have been a tough curriculum.)
"Cover Letter: Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"	(Hey, let's not get personal.)
"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."	(Step aside, Big Blue.)
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."	(Now that's planning ahead.)
"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."	(Another argument for decaffeinated coffee.)
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."	(Good luck!)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."	(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."	(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."	(It's Gumby!)
"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."	(Ouch!)
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."	(It's refreshing to see this kind of stability.)
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"	(But can he do payroll with one hand tied behind his back?)
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy and expertise."	(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."	(When you own the mortgage company, do you receive a better rate?)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."	(No problem ...)
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."	(At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.)
"The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."	(The "teaser" approach to interviewing.)
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."	(Thanks for the clarification.)
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."	(At last, an alternative to nuclear power!)
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351, Standing Ovations: 5, Number of Audience Questions: 30."	(But can he recite the questions?)
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."	(Thanks for the warning.)
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."	(Now that's dedication.)
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."	(You may be barking up the wrong tree.)
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."	(That's confidence.)
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."	(Did she forget something?)
"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."	(No problem.)
"20-Apr-1998 Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."	(Maybe he should try building it with wood.)
"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."	(Time for new brake pads?)

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ACTUAL RESUME BLUNDERS

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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GUESS WHO RUINED CASUAL FRIDAY?

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JOB DESCRIPTIONS VS. RESUMES

Here's a little clarification of terms used in job descriptions:

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. A couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way!)

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told that the position has already been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates; your job is to figure out what they want and get it done.

And, here's a little clarification on resume lingo:

I'M MANAGEMENT MATERIAL: I come in late, leave early and take credit for everyone else's ideas.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office once or twice.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES…: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ALWAYS ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

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FOR TEACHERS

The eager new teacher prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning? And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits? You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually-transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem? You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention?

My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training? Am I to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority? And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration? You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student? That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card?

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps?

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY?

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A PRAYER

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MANAGEMENT TRAINING

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with the same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

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SIGNS YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN

Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

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THE WORK WEEK