Brad Pitt Inspires Rowdy Fishermen
By Robin Davidson
Since spring has arrived and El Niño is returning to his watery hibernation haven, we decided to spend a little time with nature, going back to one of the most fundamental sports of human existence - fishing. And what better place than our own Lake Lag.
Robin: There are no fish in Lake Lag!
Va: How do you know? Have you ever been fishing here?
Robin: No, I missed that special fee about stocking the lake with trout. It must have been by the one about the climbing wall.
Va: Shut up, Robin. Stop being a smartass. They're building the climbing wall - it's just taking time.
Robin: Seriously, you've got to be quiet to catch fish. Plus you're going to pop the Zodiac 300, our trusty vessel, that I bought at Wal-Mart.
Va: You don't know anything about fishing do you? Your research for this article was probably staying up last night watching infomercials about the new helicopter lure.
Robin: I know you've been bitter for the past month, but can we write a column instead of you just yelling at me? Let's talk about fishing. What makes it so unique?
Va: Well, Robin, I enjoy waking up at 4:30 in the morning, traveling in a pickup and drinking doughnuts and beer for breakfast before I get on a boat and control a large motor.
Robin: That doesn't sound very safe. Don't you think fishing has better qualities than that? I enjoy the camaraderie.
Va: Yeah, nothing better than you and me in a rubber boat with a Powerbook and sharp, hooked objects. You really get to know what a person's made of. Pass the Ho-Ho's.
Robin: You know, Vanessa, I'm from Allentown, Ga., and for once I really think I know more about the subject than you. Fishing is in my blood.
Va: Alright then, who's your favorite professional angler?
Robin: I have so many favorites I can't just pick one. Anyone with good wrist control, I like to watch.
Va: They say it's all in the wrist. Since you're the expert, what's your favorite type of fishing?
Robin: Since I saw "A River Runs Through It," I've always liked fly fishing when Brad Pitt is there, but since the waders are too cold, I prefer traditional fishing from a boat.
Va: I like fishing for compliments. Do you like this shirt?
Robin: Yeah, it's great. Let me tell you about a fishing incident from my past that has some relevance here. There was this neighborhood kid, and we decided to go fishing one day. We went out to our local hillbilly lake, brushed away the tin cans and old boots and set sail on a boat much like this one. To make a short story long, we spent all day in the hot sun, arguing and trying to write a column for The Hillbilly Press about, coincidentally, fishing. The day ended with me tossing his drunk ass in the drink and rowing to shore without any fish.
Va: Hey! Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me something? These pants are linen you know. Did I ever tell you what a good writer you are?
Robin: Too late to suck up, gimpy. We left your crutches on shore. Let's get back to our column.
Va: OK, I find fishing rewarding because you get to eat what you catch. This is the only sport you can do that in. Catch a pass, catch a ball, catch a puck - all non-consumable - but a fish, that's some good eats.
Robin: Sounds like maybe you've tried to eat sporting goods before.
Va: With enough tartar sauce you can choke anything down.
Robin: Well, is there anything you don't understand about fishing?
Va: Yeah, why do I see some guys in boats in camouflage? What are they hiding from? Does that help them catch fish?
Robin: Like all outdoor sports, fashion is a priority. For example, your outfit: No fisherman in Georgia would be caught dead in a Baywatch T-shirt.
Va: Hey! David Hasselhoff signed this.
Robin: I hope he's not in Germany cutting another record because you're going to need a lifeguard to save you when I'm done.
Va: I'm not sure I like fishing.
Robin: Settle down, Vanessa. Fishing is supposed to be a relaxing, peaceful sport. It's a time to commune with nature and get in touch with your inner child.
Va: It's like yoga with worms.
Robin: Exactly. So what's you're favorite type of bait?
Va: Worms I guess. What's your point?
Robin: Well I prefer live bait. Worms or small minnows will do, but. . . .
Va: Hey, what are you doing? Get your hands off me. I just had knee surgery. Whoa!!
Robin: See you on the flip side, Nanny-boo!
Robin would like to announce that she's declared herself eligible for the NBA draft.